Finding a "new normal" after the death of my precious child....
Monday, December 12, 2011
So...I had one child die and my oldest is thankfully still alive but I feel like I'm quickly losing her. I've heard several times in the last few years that we might be dealing with behavioral issues and not just emotional which would explain the manipulation, aggression, lying, inability to maintain any "normal" relationship, and her lack of response to treatment. I fought believing it because like any parent that loves their children with all of their being, accepting the fact that their child could always struggle and never really live a "normal" life is like death in a sense. There is really no treatment for personality disorders. You just hope and pray and do everything within in your power to make a difference. She has been with her father for the last week and he is doing everything within his power to accommodate her....walking on "eggshells" as he calls it, to avoid conflict...not enforcing routine or rules....doing everything within his power to put her more at odds with me ....and giving in to her...only creating a more difficult and unrealistic environment for her. So... I'm trying to figure out the next plan or course of treatment for when her father will be unable to handle her (that time will occur soon) and in the meantime, hoping that the Universe will let up a bit on my family and move that dark cloud to above the heads others more deserving. I still hold on to the notion of positive thoughts and energy turning into positive outcomes.... I think.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Oh....JUST SAY IT ALREADY!!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Kinda got what I asked for...
Dear Universe....I've had enough and I'd like the shit to stop NOW!!!! Don't know if it's Karma, negative energy, or the fucked up life I chose for myself but I can't do much more. It's taking a toll on my body and I'm figting really damn hard not to be a 'Debbie Downer'.
I'm in....I'm out
and that band told another band about me....
so I auditioned for a new band....
and I think I'm in that band....
but got a call from another band that knows someone from the other band....
Confused yet? So am I!
Another audition this week. What the hell am I doing?????
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Bachelors in Theatre Arts....
(You'd never know I am a hot fucking mess by looking at the pics....huh?)
I don't know how it happens but I somewhat step outside of my body and allow it to go through the motions and appear "normal". I'm so fucking far from normal and I doubt that I will ever be again.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Ok, ok...I'm going....
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Fur babies....
(Om and Shanti~couple days before release)
(Om~release)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Dorothy wasn't lying....
Oh...and how fucked up is your life when you spend your time at a party avoiding a baby?
So, people will continue to ignore me when I occasionally mention that I had a child die 4 days before her expected delivery date or that I have 3 children, 2 living.... and folks at work will continue to avoid interacting with me so that they don't have to mention my loss. (No need for them to worry....I only leave my classroom for meetings and potty breaks) Our neighbors will continue to avoid us like the plague.... Hell, my poor husband hasn't spoken to the once friendly folks, that live behind us all summer and we will continue to be univited to the yearly gatherings. No one will mention her to us because dammit, what will they say? A simple...."I have no words because I don't know...or perhaps they do know... but, know I'm sorry or I'm thinking of you." Avoiding and ignoring is like saying "fuck you to your family and to your dead baby....glad it's not me." So....I make everyone else comfortable by keeping my distance, avoiding them as much as they avoid me, and staying home as much as possible.... It's kinda difficult when you have a job, and children.
I had no clue that I'd ever take offense to the simple question, "how are you?" People don't really want that answer.... "Well, I cry too fucking much, I don't know what day it is, I don't sleep well, my memory is shot, I walk around in circles most of the day, speaking of circles....have you seen my eyes?....I worry all the time, guilt rests super heavy on my heart, I'm really really fucking angry at myself and the people that were supposed to know better, and I dislike interacting with most people because they don't fucking get it nor do they care to get it."
Oh....and there are triggers. EVERYWHERE. Babies, holidays, sometimes my 3yr old because Areila looked so much like her, families with 3 children, walking through the baby section of stores to get to the toddler section, sometimes even seeing pregnant women because I wonder if they KNOW that babies die or if they will be 'next', tv commercials, billboards, and stupid acting people that feel it necessary to complain about the "normal" and wonderful things that babies do. Oh what I wouldn't give...to be 50lbs heavier, washing poopy diapers, and waking up several times at night to nurse a baby.
My poor husband...I cry everywhere and on several occassions, I've broken down at the dinner table...in restaurants. I really have no control over it because once I get to a certain point....there is absolutely no way that I can stop the tears. I'm pretty sure I'm developing a bit of agoraphobia....crowds cause me to have great anxiety because of the reasons I stated above. One of these days he'll learn and keep my ass at home. Poor guy....
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Wah, Wah, Wah...
I gave up tv. It's been over 4 months since I've really watched it and I'm truly not missing it at all. Shortly after losing Areila....I would turn the tv on and watch it but I REALLY wasn't watching it most of the time...all I would hear was "wah, wah, wah" and it was watching me! My daughter tells me of movies that she swears we watched and I have 0 memory of watching. If the tv wasn't watching me and I occasionally engaged....I would find myself getting upset over shows like teen mom, 17kids and counting, moms in heels, and the baby commercials that just would always find the perfect time to appear. My husband bought a monstrosity of a tv and I don't even watch it. Its now so pointless to me....
I've been saying that I'm going to watch my favorite show, 'Dexter'. I think 4 episodes have aired and I still haven't watched. One of these days!
I do have to say...I have no fucking clue what's going on in the world. NO CLUE and mostly don't care.... How fucked up is that?
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Running out of things....
I respect others' belief in god but I think it's pompous to believe everyone shares their views about god. I know people have good intentions but I just cant hear another person tell me 'god doesn't give you more than you can handle' or 'god will turn things around'. BULLSHIT! There are so many things wrong with those statements! Just fucking WRONG!
I continue to tell myself that I need to hold it together for my family....for my children....
But I'm quickly running out of things to hold me together so that I can hold THEM together....
I'm feeling more than helpless... Mother's are supposed to protect their children and keep them out of harms way...I'm miserably failing ...
Friday, October 28, 2011
Still gotta be Mama
It's so beyond fucked up that I had one child die and I'm now fighting to keep another alive. I guess keeping my oldest child safe and distracted is a 'thing I do to keep from losing my fucking mind'.....but how much longer will I be able to 'hold it together' before I lose MY fucking mind? Positive thoughts for my beautiful oldest baby girl, please......
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Ughh....
Today, I was driving on the highway and had no fucking clue where I was.... I seriously couldn't remember where I was..... I knew I was on my way home but my thoughts were once again consuming me and I was on auto-pilot. It wasn't the first time it happened. I often get to my destinations not knowing how in the hell I got there. I guess, this is my life now...foggy....and just not real. But at least I'm mastering 'going through the motions'. I can now smile and laugh and pretend....but it just doesn't feel right.
I can no longer live a carefree life. My mind won't stop thinking of the 'what ifs'. Not only do I continually play the 'what ifs' of almost 6 months ago but the 'what ifs' of my now. Every illness that my children have, send my mind to wandering and battling the negative thoughts that incessantly find their way in. What if these daily tummy aches that my 3yr old has, are something serious that the doctors aren't finding and what if they don't find out something is seriously wrong until it's too late. What if the exhaustion that I carry with me everyday has nothing to do with the fact that my mind won't stop even when my body is supposed to be resting and is something terminal and I die...and my children are left motherless? What if my oldest daughter in unable to battle the mental illness that she's been fighting all her life and it consumes her and.... UGH!!!! It frustrates and angers me when I people tell me I'm "so strong/brave". I'm not brave and I'm not strong! Where does the bravery come in? Because I haven't jumped off a bridge or put myself in a coma with a bottle of Southern Comfort???I'm just doing and going through the motions because I HAVE to....because I have living children and a husband that I love dearly and who need me. Everything changes for a parent after they lose a child. I can't imagine life every being bliss again. I'm aging rapidly.
Yesterday, I auditioned for a band....and I joined a band. They asked me on the spot if I would join their group and I agreed. I'm somewhat kicking myself because as much as music is so important to my life, the genre of music is not where my passions lie. I'm torn because I have nothing else and it WOULD be a somewhat good experience to have this outlet....but I'm not sure if I can be the 'life of the party' for 4hrs a gig. I might come home and pull my hair out....or drink myself into oblivion. I have a degree in theatre but SHIT! I want to be able to put my heart and soul into a song and for others to appreciate and 'feel' MY song. Funk and Disco are good for a set...not a gig. Jazz and Blues is where I find myself....
http://
(This is where I am....these are the lyrics and melodies where I want to put my heart and energy~I have stories to tell and songs to sing~for my baby girl)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Sigh....
My daughter, not thinking that it would bother me, told me today that my older sister had her baby. I very quickly told her that I didn't care.... One of my coping mechanisms has been to avoid situations...conversations...people. My husband made the stupid, stupid, stupid decision, as we were holding and saying our FINAL goodbyes to Areila, to tell me why his 16 yr old son was avoiding him. I assumed he was going to tell me his son was in jail because he was already selling drugs, and in a gang.... Well, it was the other nightmare that I predicted years before.... His girlfriend was 5 months pregnant. REALLY?!!?!?!?!?!??? All I could think was, poor baby....but it hurts my heart knowing that I had a means of providing, caring for, and loving my precious baby and she was taken away from me. Here this poor kid is, being born into a fucked up family....fucked up mother (that looks all of about 12yrs old)....fucked up father that is a gangbanger, weed-head. Yes, young people can turn their lives around and be great parents but the odds are against them and these poor children that they bring in the world. Yet, another situation that made me have great difficulty believing in the 'great and powerful' god.
When my husband, who probably could have been a much more active parent with his own son, told me he wanted a relationship with this baby....it felt like the ultimate betrayal of Areila and me. It's shameful for me to have these feelings and thoughts but it literally felt like I was dying when he told me this. I'm probably wrong for doing this but I asked my husband to not discuss his son, the baby and that situation with me. I told him that I didn't want to know when the baby comes....I'm sure he's here by now but I just can't....and I don't know when/if I'll be able to deal with the whole situation. The timing of this could REALLY not be any worse. Thinking about that situation feels like 100 bricks resting on my heart.
Anyway, going back to my sister.... She has always had a love-hate relationship with me. I think it all stemmed from when my parents divorced when I was just a toddler.....I got to stay with my mother and the rest of my siblings and she didn't. She didn't stay because she wasn't my mother's biological child and my father took her with him when they divorced. My father had custody of her because her mother basically abandoned her and she's spent 38yrs of her life desperate to have a decent and 'normal' relationship with her mother and it has yet to happen. I adored my older sister when I was younger and she was as mean as mean could be to me. Oddly, when things occasionally went down, she stepped up and always had my back if anyone else messed with me....perhaps, to keep me alive so that she could mentally and physically torment me. This continued into adulthood (minus the physical) and up until about a month before I gave birth to Areila, when I said enough was enough. She and her new husband decided to tag team and criticize my parenting (ON FACEBOOK), because I don't believe in "beating my kids til I lose weight". She and her husband are both in the military and have both relied on others to raise their children. I let them know that I found it puzzling that two people who both had to rely on others to raise their children were criticizing my parenting. In fact, my oldest niece spent more time with my father and step-mother than she did with my sister. I played an active role in the raising of my niece...she was my first 'babygirl'. We later found out that my sister CHOSE to be deployed.
Well, when my sister found out that I was pregnant, she of course, had something negative to say about me for wanting one more child. My response was for her to back off because she just got married to a (significantly) younger man and he was going to want children. A month or two later, I found out she was pregnant. My oldest niece is 18 and my sister just had a baby.... yet, she felt it appropriate to talk shit about me, my "old" husband, and my children (mainly my oldest).
I don't wish ill will on anyone and I definitely don't want another family to experience the devastation that mine has but.... FUCK. It's so bittersweet. I'm happy the baby is here and healthy and I'm happy for her but I'm still hurt and angry... She's such a mean spirited person and although I'm not perfect and have many flaws....I try my best to be simply open, compassionate, and caring. Basically, all the things that my sister is not. She got to keep her baby. I know I sound like a child when I say, it's unfair....but IT IS!!!!!
Ok...after I internally processed these shameful and embarassing emotions and thoughts, my daughter showed me the bottom of the mug that I just got finished sipping. There at the bottom of the mug, was a stain in the shape of a heart. She told me it was a sign from Areila.....telling us that she loved us. I'm pretty sure its coincidence....but I do find comfort knowing that there is a possiblity that my precious Areila is with me..... Maybe?
Monday, October 17, 2011
Finding the "new me"...
(Proof that we're more than just the bodies that you and I see--My Aura)
I now wear a Mala (type of rosary) around my neck as a reminder and an aid in my healing and finding peace. During my meditation, I "charged" my mala with a Sanskrit mantra that speaks of a Hindu deity. It is said that reciting this mantra can rid a person of bad kharma and make the ego purer while bringing in healing energy for moving towards enlightenment. Do I believe in these deities? No....but I do believe in the power of the words and I admire the qualities that they possess. The stones in my mala are also said to emit healing energy for soothing emotions. So...yep, I think I just about have all bases covered.
(new me---with age lines and black eyes)
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Shallots...Garam Masala...Ginger...lemongrass..Coconut milk...un petit de Vin....and a little Krishna Das
(Coq au Vin---good schtuff)
(Again, poor guy)
I've also been working on perfecting my cupcakes with booze recipes. Southern comfort, Strawberry Margarita, and Coconut~Rum.....
A lil somethin' new....
So, we got a door, I padded it with batting and covered it with fabric and voila....a headboard. So, now our bedroom has a warm and dare I say, peaceful feel....a great place for meditation!
Can't see it here but on my nightstand is my favorite of Areila...
With my own kind....
Friday, October 14, 2011
I had to do it....
Thursday, October 13, 2011
How did they ever....
I often think about my grandparents on both sides, who both lost children. My maternal grandmother lost her son to something terminal like cancer at around 4-5yrs old. She very rarely spoke about him to me and never felt the need to include him. I do realize that was 65+yrs ago when women were expected to grieve for a week or two and 'move on'. But I wonder....did she change? Was she as fucked up as I think I am? How did she function? Did part of herself die when her precious son died?
My paternal grandmother spoke of her daughter who died of congential heart disease often. She, my father, aunts and uncles would often speak of her and how much I reminded them of her. I guess she was a wild one like I once was and many say that I look like her.
I wish I could ask them how they managed to pick up the pieces...and continue living. I'm living but I'm not LIVING. I'm more...going through the motions but I'm not present in my life. I feel like half of a daughter....sister....wife....mother and I struggle with giving my living children what I feel they need, while parenting and honoring my dead child. Everyone else has appeared to 'move on'....and I can't...nor do I want to. Areila deserves my love and my tears....and my longing to have her in my arms. My paternal grandmother passed away over 15yrs ago and my maternal grandmother is 97 and not always in the present. Fuck...I guess I'm not either.
Here is a picture of my paternal aunt, Pat. She passed away in her early twenties. I finally saw this picture of her for the first time, a week ago and it felt so good. I wish my family included her pictures and memories in their everyday lives. She deserved it! I see myself and my oldest daughter in her.
F****************************ck, that hurts....
My 3yr old thinks mommy's 'Shanti/Peace' tattoo is pretty cool and decided she wanted one just like mommy. She also curses like a sailor just like mommy and knows the EXACT time to drop an f-bomb or yell out 'these damn crayons....what the hell is wrong with them?' in frustration. Funny how the things that would make you gasp and scramble to correct, now are so damn minuscule. I just hope that the next time she decides to 'tattoo' herself, she doesn't use permanent marker.
Om
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
A New Family Member
Sunday, October 2, 2011
REALLY?!?!?!??? You've got to be fucking kidding me!!!
A couple days before she went into labor, she became VERY vocal and even more affectionate. She drove our poor dog crazy....howling and rubbing up against him. I prepared a couple beds for her in places that I thought she might want to give birth and we just waited for her to do her thing. The vet told us to leave the house when she goes in labor....that cats know what to do. Well, when we woke up this morning, there was NO WAY we were leaving the house. She wanted us there and kept on leading us to the basement where I put together a bed and blankets in a crate. When she finally got me downstairs....she began to howl loudly and push....it was exciting and something I never experienced. However, I had the "what if...." replaying in my mind. I saw something hanging out of her and it appeared to be a tail or a foot....and it looked black. I called my mom to tell her....because we both wanted a black cat. Gnocchi seemed to be having difficulty and working really hard to give birth but I sat there watching and hoping things were alright....but still replaying the "what if..." Well, she turned her back to me and after one very audible push and loud meow, I noticed she was cleaning something....I called my mom because she was waiting by the phone to get good news....then I noticed that the kitten wasn't moving. I knew it! I fucking knew it.... I don't know how I know, but I did. The kitten was not breathing....dead. She bit the umbilical cord and ate the placenta....continued to lick it but the poor, sweet thing was gone.