Shortly after my last post.... My daughter begged me for help...to stop the people and voices from telling her to take her own life and....I had no choice but to take her back to the hospital. How do you lose a child and then have to fight for years to keep another alive? My poor daughter has suffered her whole life...11 years... and its so damn unfair. She's really struggling with life....the loss of her sister...the fact that she has no friends....the fact that she just can't fight the monsters that plague her mind....no child should suffer the way she has.
I respect others' belief in god but I think it's pompous to believe everyone shares their views about god. I know people have good intentions but I just cant hear another person tell me 'god doesn't give you more than you can handle' or 'god will turn things around'. BULLSHIT! There are so many things wrong with those statements! Just fucking WRONG!
I continue to tell myself that I need to hold it together for my family....for my children....
But I'm quickly running out of things to hold me together so that I can hold THEM together....
I'm feeling more than helpless... Mother's are supposed to protect their children and keep them out of harms way...I'm miserably failing ...
You are NOT failing! These are not things within your CONTROL! Please stop being so hard on yourself, N. ~L
ReplyDeleteYou are not failing. You are simply human, and struggling with things put ON you, without your control or consent.
ReplyDeleteIf you were failing, you would't be concerned. But you are concerned. You are doing everything you can. It has to be difficult to be in a place where you are learning to cope with your own hurt and still have to be the rock that your children look to in order to cope with theirs.
I have no words of experience, and frankly, I have been unfairly fortunate in the way that you have been unfairly unfortunate.
I think about your Areila, and the pictures, and the video you made...and I hurt knowing this is a lifetime of truth for you.
...But I am encouraged to read that you UNDERSTAND that those feelings are okay. If you got over her, that would mean you didn't care. If you forgot, it would mean you didn't care. But you keep her in your heart, which means you DO care.
Just because people are too unaware to do right for others doesn't mean your reactions are wrong.
From what I read of your blog I hear a woman who is caring but affected. You don't know how to deal...but ADMITTING that makes you a stronger one than you can ever know. It's not in your being to be comfortable being ignorant. You seek. This mean you eventually will find what you need.
People who say 'God' won't put more on you than you can handle haven't lived life.
...I'm sorry I don't post often, but I try my best to be as considerate as I can be. I know I don't always have the right words, even if my meaning is good. Words matter. But silence can be misinterpreted too. So I apologize if this is out of place...I just wanted to let you know that some of us, even those you haven't met, think about you and hope for the best for you. If you ever need an outside ear, feel free to message me on Facebook.