Finding the "new me"...

It's amazing how most people just live their lives, taking just about everything for granted. For example, my neighbors here in 'Pretentia', as I call it, find such satisfaction driving their BMW SUV's, having lush manicured green lawns, housekeepers, pools, living on a golf course and are the coldest, most judgemental assholes out there. They avoid us like the plague now because we're the family with the 'crazy' kid, and now, the 'dead baby'....they'd rather avoid us than associate with us....because, maybe they'll catch our 'shitty life' disease.

I was once that ass.... Well, I wasn't that bad but I did take things for granted. Having a nice big home was somewhat important to me but I could seriously take it or leave it. It used to take a lot to impress me and now....very very very few people's actions and 'things' impress me because most have no true significance or purpose. I love my home because it's now where I find the most love and security.

After my religion post, I bet some of you are thinking I'm just wandering through life with nothing. I remain and probably have become even more spiritual in the last few months. I may not believe in 'god' but I believe that we all have the potential to have those qualities that others see/find in god. Love, compassion, respect, warmth, acceptance, wisdom....all qualities that people can obtain but often find so difficult to maintain.

I also believe in the power of thought. I believe thoughts can turn into energy and that energy can be negative or positive. Some people call positive thoughts, prayer....whatever you call it....I truly believe in its power. Ever work with or live around negative people who seem to drain your energy and if you're not careful, you begin to feel/carry that dark cloud above you.... OR, ever know someone that is perpetually happy...always smiling....always willing to help...or always willing to be there to lift you up and, depending on the type of person you are, you find yourself wanting to be around them so that they can shine some of their light on you? The power of energy....we can't see it but if we truly open our eyes, hearts, minds....we can definitely feel it.

(Proof that we're more than just the bodies that you and I see--My Aura)

There is also an eastern thought that the ego can hinder us from attaining the qualities I mentioned earlier. The ego I'm talking about is more complex that what we 'Westerners' are taught. Things that make up the ego can be selfish desires, careers, education, wealth, pride, 'things', etc.... Basically, the ego represents things that people believe they need, to have fulfilled lives. So, it is said that once the ego is broken down or removed, we and others realize our true selves....the good, loving, caring, open, warm, wise, etc.... 'The Divine'.

I'm at a period in my life where I feel as vulnerable as a person can.....I'm wandering this fucked up world naked with a big fat, open , oozing, 'weeping' wound, covering my body. There's nothing more devastating AND humbling than laboring and birthing a dead child 2 days before she is supposed to be born....ALIVE. I've also been pretty damn humbled with raising a child who has been tormented by her unpredictable and unmanageable emotions since she was (probably) in utero, a child of only 11 yrs, who often battles the negative thoughts and ideas of taking her own life on a way too frequent and now, normal, basis. I fought for many years to keep my oldest child happy, and alive and just when I thought we had a grasp on her stability and just as I was beginning to like me...lightning stuck and took it all away. I have channeled my deepest, most intense thoughts into the tips of my fingers and now, into this blog for the whole fucking world to read and know. I now cry in front of strangers if they catch me on a 'bad day' and ask me about my children because I can't deny my precious baby for others or for my own comfort, or if I'm caught off guard and run into a child around the same age as what Areila SHOULD be, or by simply passing by the baby section of Target. I sometimes feel like the wound that is ME will begin to heal and scab over but life keeps picking at it and it bleeds, weeps, and oozes all over again. One of these days, the wound will heal but I think I will always carry this vulenerability and a big scar.

So...I feel like I have 2 options.... I can continue the rest of my life an angry, and bitter person because I've been dealt a really shitty deck...and oh yes, I have! OR I can take something from this horrible devastation and try to improve me....to SEE, accept, and reciprocate the love and light given to me and to find moments of peace. I think I'm a giver and pleaser....perhaps I'm even selfish but it makes me feel better giving gifts from the heart...whether it be something I made, something I saw and thought someone else would appreciate....a listening ear....or a word of encouragement.

I now wear a Mala (type of rosary) around my neck as a reminder and an aid in my healing and finding peace. During my meditation, I "charged" my mala with a Sanskrit mantra that speaks of a Hindu deity. It is said that reciting this mantra can rid a person of bad kharma and make the ego purer while bringing in healing energy for moving towards enlightenment. Do I believe in these deities? No....but I do believe in the power of the words and I admire the qualities that they possess. The stones in my mala are also said to emit healing energy for soothing emotions. So...yep, I think I just about have all bases covered.

I'm not a wordsmith and find it difficult organizing my thoughts so they are at a minimum of semi-coherent (ramblings of the insane) but here it goes. There is another thought out there, that says, the spirit comes back to live in this world many times.... to learn, grow and evolve, and eventually, once the spirit has learned all the lessons of living in this world, ithere is no need to return. The thought goes on to say that our spirits choose the life it will live, before it actually enters the body of this world. Ever have a deja vu or dreams that predict places and events, only to have them actually come true. (Perhaps my dream predicting Areila's death will be the topic of a future post.) They say these experiences are reminders that you are on the right path for this life....syncronicity. I REALLY have a hard time believing that MY spirit chose THIS life and Areila's spirit chose one that ended before it entirely entered THIS world....BUT, as I stated in a previous post....we don't REALLY know....but I remain open to the positive and remain willing to learn from this fucknuttery I call life. I guess, I don't really have a choice...

I have to say, I'm still...human. I still battle with frustration....I still battle with anger....I still battle with jealousy when I see pictures of the babies of my friends who were pregnant with me but they got to keep their babies....I still don't know how to explain to my children what happened and why their sister isn't with them. I still let the negative and fucked up world bring me down. These feelings and thoughts literally take my breath away and bring me to my knees....they're overwhelming and unavoidable.

(new me---with age lines and black eyes)

I find it difficult navigating through the fog of my 'new life' and living in the 'now'. My mind goes about 10,000 miles a minute but sometimes things stop me in my tracks and the fog lifts a bit. I hold my children so much tighter. I watch and try to savor every little cute and not-so-cute moment. I love deeper. I appreciate more. Butterflies have never been so beautiful and I've never truly appreciated the melodies of songbirds more than NOW.