Bachelors in Theatre Arts....

(Pretty bad....huh?)

I can smile, laugh and shoot the shit with the best of y'all... but it often pains me to do it. I sometimes feel guily for smiling and laughing. One of my degrees is in theatre and I've truly had to use some of my old skills in the last 6 months. The longer I have to fake it, the more I need to retreat to my safe space and breathe....and get angry and cry because I have to be someone that I'm NOT to protect myself and others.

After retreating to my bedroom to cry as I saw my family and friends gather for Areila's memorial service, I somehow got myself together to get through that day. I fake it for work and I acted/faked it during the benefit concert that I organized. Actually, I'm pretty damn impressed at how good I looked that night. I had an awesome Cheshire Cat smile...I greeted...I hugged....I laughed....I even sang a few songs. I also drank a lot....A LOT!!

(You'd never know I am a hot fucking mess by looking at the pics....huh?)

I don't know how it happens but I somewhat step outside of my body and allow it to go through the motions and appear "normal". I'm so fucking far from normal and I doubt that I will ever be again.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I've never dreaded the holidays more than now. We all know that holidays are meant for happiness and togetherness. It's often a time when new family members get introduced to other family members....when children play...when adults laugh, talk, and reminisce....when babies get passed from arm to arm...moments of bliss. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and although I'm very thankful for my family and friends....the aching and hollow feeling is more intense. How can I be thankful....really? I should be toting around and adorable, cooing, giggling, juicy-legged 6 month old baby. This time last year, I was fantasizing about this year....not being pregnant and having another addition to my beautiful family. There is someone missing.....someone that should be here. I am incomplete and I don't want any parts of the traditions that made our holidays before Areila. I've been so upset not knowing how to include Areila in some way.....but feeling ridiculous that I WANT to include her. She's dead...she's gone...no one really knew her but me and I feel pretty fucking cheated for the 9 months that I had. Why would others care to include her and won't they think I'm a kook for wanting and needing it? I really don't want to go but I'm going....for my husband and my girls....for the rest of my family. Mainly, so they don't try to put me in the crazy place for not understanding that I will feel incredibly insecure, self-conscious, unthankful and guilty, for feeling unthankful....and would rather be curled up in a chair with my pajamas on.

So, tomorrow I will put on my glasses, hope that we're in a dimly lit room so that others don't see the tears that will well up in my eyes and I will work really fucking hard to keep the tears from overflowing....and I will smile my fake ass smile to protect my husband and children so that they can have the holiday that they deserve. Wish me luck!

Please let there be no babies.....