How did they ever....

get over it?? It's such a ridiculous and stupid question because I know that you can NEVER GET OVER IT. The rule of the Universe is..... a person gets old and dies BEFORE their children. Perhaps, this is my fucked up thinking and NOT a rule but it's how it should be and why I have such difficulty with god, his/her existence and power, and why suffering even occurs. To be honest...I cannot think of anything worse than burying a child. Really nothing. It just should NOT happen....PERIOD.





I often think about my grandparents on both sides, who both lost children. My maternal grandmother lost her son to something terminal like cancer at around 4-5yrs old. She very rarely spoke about him to me and never felt the need to include him. I do realize that was 65+yrs ago when women were expected to grieve for a week or two and 'move on'. But I wonder....did she change? Was she as fucked up as I think I am? How did she function? Did part of herself die when her precious son died?




My paternal grandmother spoke of her daughter who died of congential heart disease often. She, my father, aunts and uncles would often speak of her and how much I reminded them of her. I guess she was a wild one like I once was and many say that I look like her.


I wish I could ask them how they managed to pick up the pieces...and continue living. I'm living but I'm not LIVING. I'm more...going through the motions but I'm not present in my life. I feel like half of a daughter....sister....wife....mother and I struggle with giving my living children what I feel they need, while parenting and honoring my dead child. Everyone else has appeared to 'move on'....and I can't...nor do I want to. Areila deserves my love and my tears....and my longing to have her in my arms. My paternal grandmother passed away over 15yrs ago and my maternal grandmother is 97 and not always in the present. Fuck...I guess I'm not either.












Here is a picture of my paternal aunt, Pat. She passed away in her early twenties. I finally saw this picture of her for the first time, a week ago and it felt so good. I wish my family included her pictures and memories in their everyday lives. She deserved it! I see myself and my oldest daughter in her.