While at Kripalu, I took several yoga classes....gosh, guess I should have, considering it is a center for yoga and health. It felt so good to go back to my practice and it was something that I decided I was going to make a lifetime commitment doing. So....I went back to yoga.
Yoga is the only time that I can temporarily pause my thoughts. It's the only time that I can stop the crazy dialogue in mind.....the repetitive and incessant "4 days, you were only 4 days away, I can't believe this is my life....this is my fucking life. You gave birth to your dead baby. You were only 4 days away....what now? If only you would have gone in. You should have pushed...you should have insisted. 4 days....you were only 4 days away. WHAT THE FUCK?" It's while doing yoga that the fog lifts a little and there is a little more clarity. The heaviness of my heart and hollow feeling of my arms somewhat fades. Now, it's while in savasana (corpse pose) when my mind begins to wander again and the dialogue starts all over again....and no matter how hard I fight it the tears tend to well up and flow. The phsyical triggers the emotional.
What was so nice is....one of the places where I practiced yoga was looking for people to work their front desk in exchange for free unlimited yoga. I had to act on it...and I did.... What a great opportunity! Well, I did it for 4 months and they suddenly decided yesterday to do away with their desk yogis and now, I'm stuck having to pay for classes. DAMN! Because of everything that's happened with my oldest daughter....I haven't been to class in 2 weeks. I miss and need my practice.... Now, to put it in my budget to go 3 times a week....shit!
have i sent you the article from my yoga therapist about using the practice as a life raft? its so profound and lovely. you can practice yoga one asana, and one breath at a time throughout your day if you need to. love you.
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