Today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Rememberance Day and a local bereavement center put on a lovely memorial service where they read the names of our precious children, allowed us to light candles and just be among people who truly know and understand.
One of the ladies speaking said something that has played a huge role in the making of my 'new (and developing) normal'. She said something like, "we lost family members only to find new family with those that have suffered the same heartache". Ok...so this is far from verbatim BUT it's the jist. She is so right.... I'm so angry that I had to meet and come to know such amazing people but I'm so damn glad they're in my life. It brings me a bit of 'peace' to know that there are people who you don't feel SO self-conscious about crying in front of....people who know that a 'good' day for us is just 'ok' day because we've only cried for 15mins. out of the day...people that you don't feel guilty smiling and laughing in front of....and people, who you're not jealous of because THEY too have children that are not all living and because of the hell that they've been through, 'deserve' their babies more than others (sick, right?). It's also nice to be around people who don't care and understand it if you've not combed your hair, cleaned your house, showered, or gotten out of your pajamas for several days.
It was also nice to not feel like I had to hide or protect my husband from my tears. I let them flow, I allowed him to comfort me...and I felt even closer to the man that I married 4 1/2 yrs ago, the man that fathered my two beautiful girls, the man that supports me in most of what I do....the man that I share a loss that only he, I, and that small group of people that I now call friends, know. I love him in a way, and on a level that many couples don't share, and will never know.
I'm now 5 months from my loss and I've already made some wonderful connections with people that I hope to continue lifelong relationships. These people keep me going....and we hold each other's hands as we wander through our new, dark and foggy worlds.
Tonight I lit a candle for my precious Areila.... and for all the other babies whose lives ended too soon...
It was so good to see you. I always say I hate that we had to meet under such horrible circumstances, but I'm sure glad we met. xoxo ~Lindsay
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have been there too. It's hard to find someone who understands. I'm thankful to have found you and our other BLPs even though none of us should have ever had to meet. Much love,
ReplyDeleteKatie