REALLY?!?!?!??? You've got to be fucking kidding me!!!

So...today our cat went into labor and we were more than excited about having the pitter patter of little kitten feet in our home. She is a purebred Siberian and my mother got one of the same breed because they are hypo-allergenic and we have many allergic family members. We hoped to breed them once as soon as Gnocchi turned a year we planned a "hook up.

Ever heard or seen cats mating....the sight and the noise...it's a trip! The first breeding session didn't "take" so we invited my mom's handsome cat in for round 2 and he was MORE than happy to get freaky with our little seductress, Gnocchi. Second time seemed to take and we quickly noticed an increase in her appetite and her nipples getting full. It was a good thing that she became pregnant because my mother's male cat got a taste of the good stuff and started running out, chasing tail. So, she had him neutered and that seemed to calm him down.


A couple days before she went into labor, she became VERY vocal and even more affectionate. She drove our poor dog crazy....howling and rubbing up against him. I prepared a couple beds for her in places that I thought she might want to give birth and we just waited for her to do her thing. The vet told us to leave the house when she goes in labor....that cats know what to do. Well, when we woke up this morning, there was NO WAY we were leaving the house. She wanted us there and kept on leading us to the basement where I put together a bed and blankets in a crate. When she finally got me downstairs....she began to howl loudly and push....it was exciting and something I never experienced. However, I had the "what if...." replaying in my mind. I saw something hanging out of her and it appeared to be a tail or a foot....and it looked black. I called my mom to tell her....because we both wanted a black cat. Gnocchi seemed to be having difficulty and working really hard to give birth but I sat there watching and hoping things were alright....but still replaying the "what if..." Well, she turned her back to me and after one very audible push and loud meow, I noticed she was cleaning something....I called my mom because she was waiting by the phone to get good news....then I noticed that the kitten wasn't moving. I knew it! I fucking knew it.... I don't know how I know, but I did. The kitten was not breathing....dead. She bit the umbilical cord and ate the placenta....continued to lick it but the poor, sweet thing was gone.

I called a vet to see if I should leave the kitten there with her or remove it and they told me to remove it. The kitty looked just like its' dad...dark gray with a a light gray belly. My husband was going to put it out the with trash but I told him that I'd like to have him/her buried in Areila's garden. So...weather permitting, we will bury the sweet little thing tomorrow.

After I took the one kitten away, she just curled up and fell asleep. There were no signs that she was contracting or the labor was continuing so I called back to the vet....they told us to wait a couple and see what happened before we went in. I sat there looking at her as my husband read cat-birth stories from the internet. After over an hour, I decided that it was time to take her in.... I was hopeful but in the back of my mind, I was still thinking the worst. They gave me a quote of $400+ for x-rays and bloodwork and I thought...are you fucking kidding...and what if there are no more living babies?!!? So, I asked the vet to feel her belly and he said he thought there might be one left. He went on to tell me about his wife who just delivered twins and how after the birth of 1....the 2nd is usually not far behind it. Well, I of course wanted to tell him..."gee, thanks for that bit of wonderful fucking information...just tell me there is only one fucking kitten and I'll go home with the money I started off with!" I called my husband and decided to go for the x-ray. I waited and walked and came back 1/2 later for the vet to come in and tell me..."good news". He told me there were no kittens and how strange it was that she only had one that was stillborn. I basically told him it was just my luck...I had a full-term stillborn baby....why wouldn't my cat?

Anyway, I brought poor Gnocchi home and we put her in the basement to finish birthing whatever was left. She really wanted to be with us.... My husband had to explain to my youngest, once again, that there are no babies. My oldest daughter called from her dad's house asking about the kittens and I told her. She began crying and rushed off the phone. I have to tell ya.... I feel like I must have been one rotten person in my previous life and it's all coming back at me at one time in this life. I've been to hell and hopefully on my way back dealing with my oldest daughter's mental illness (she just had another hospitalization this week) http://www.hopeforserenity.blogspot.com/ , my third child dies 4 days before her induction date....and now my fucking cat delivers one kitten and he/she is stillborn. REALLY!?!?!?!?

My poor husband told me today that this was the second time that we basically lied to our daughters about babies being born. We both agreed that we wont prepare them.... basically, we'll hope for the best but expect the worst when it comes to new life and our family. Is this a way to live!?!? Is this what we've come to??? I know I keep saying it but.... I can't believe that this is my fucking life!!!

What can I do to keep from losing my fucking mind?!?!?!?!?