Dorothy wasn't lying....

There is truly no place like home!!!

One of my ways of coping has been to avoid people by not leaving the house....not answering the phone....not answering the door. At the very beginning of my loss...I just couldn't talk...I didn't know what to do, think or say....and it was the same for my family and friends. So, I made it easy on all of us and kept my distance. Far too often, people would unintentionally say the wrong damn thing and fuck me up for days. I know, most people had/have good intentions but sometimes, the fewer the words, the better. My advice for others....Just listen, be thoughtful and careful....sometimes less is more and know when to keep your fucking mouth shut!

I have to say....my best friend has been the most amazing friend to me. She is truly a special person that just knows the right things to do and say. She is one of two people that has not fucked up and sent me spiraling downwards. Amazing that a woman who doesn't have children of her own, other than her amazing fur babies, has been so incredibly supportive and understanding. Goes to show....you don't have to truly KNOW what someone has gone through and continues to go through but compassion and openness can mean so much to a grieving person.

Let me also add.... my cousin and mainly, his wife to that short list of exceptionally supportive people. They watched my 3yr old the whole time I was in the hospital and continued to be so wonderful, and show so much love and support to my family. I cannot say enough about their kindness and understanding. I can go on forever about how helpful she has been...never expecting or even accepting anything in return.

These people that I mentioned are examples of what I mentioned in a previous post....they truly have the divine in them!

So, as I mentioned before.... I eliminated a lot of people from my life..."friends" AND family. I've got cousins, aunts, uncles, and step-siblings....many....that haven't even said"boo" to me since losing Areila. I do get it....it's awkward...it's uncomfortable. What do you say to a person whose baby died before he/she was born? Or perhaps many, like my father, don't see Areila's death as a significant loss because, "it's not like she was born alive". Well, she was very alive in me for 9 months....and when her perfect little body entered this world...I expected and hoped that she would be REAL for everyone else.

Two weeks after giving birth to Areila.... My mother told me to basically be thankful for my living children. I had no words....all I could do was cry. YES, YES....I am so blessed/fortunate and GRATEFUL to have my beautiful girls but there is one missing...forever gone. I felt so guilty and torn....I still do. For feeling so inadequate because I'm grieving for my child that no one truly knows, other than myself and for not giving my all to my living children. When I do give my all (because I often have to )to my living children, I feel guilty and fear that I will forget Areila. My biggest fear is that Areila will soon be forgotten...I fight really hard to hold onto every thought, touch, vision, smell, emotion, and memory that surrounds her. I don't get very far trying to get my 3yr old to commit to telling her future children about Areila, 40yrs from now. I think it was after my mom's "words of support" that I opened the bottle of rum for the first time in 10 months.

Well, of course my mother, mother-in-law, and step-mother suggested very, very shortly after losing Areila, that I get some "help" for my "depression". I resisted it and continue to resist it because I've never been a depressed person....grief and depression have similarities but they are not the same. My step-mother was a great support in the beginning but after about a month or so....she very abruptly distanced herself from me....I'm just going to assume that my grief was more than she wanted to deal with. WHATEVER. I'm not close to my mother-in-law so whatever my husband reports satisfies her "concern" because he doesn't report her "happy pill" suggestion to me anymore. As for my mother....I avoided her like the plague....and I feel terrible for the fact that it drove her crazy but I had to protect myself. If I cried or showed my pain.... I was judged and being judged for mourning the loss of a child is really fucked up. Even now, when I speak to my mother....she never mentions Areila and I don't bring her up because shedding a tear for my precious baby could turn into more judgement. The fact that I have to do this hurts my heart. I do get it...she too, is a mother and it pains her to see her child in pain. Mothers feel that they have an eternal duty to protect and "help" when their children are in trouble. Sigh...

I was going to share the details of a family gathering that I very, very reluctantly attended. It was on the 3 month mark and I was already a hot mess. I'll try to briefly recap. I felt like the big purple elephant with pink spots when I entered....if there was a record playing, I'm pretty sure we all would have heard the needle scratch across the album. I felt so insecure...so empty so vulnerable. I still do, which is why home is the only place that I feel any comfort. Anyway, someone had the fucking nerve to tell me that I was glowing and asked if I was pregnant again. HUH? I can barely get out of my bed some days...or even shower for days....hell, most of the time I barely know the day of the week....and it would be oh so simple for me to just be pregnant again...huh? Ok, there was a baby there....around the same age as what Areila should have been. He was being passed around from person to person, and all I kept thinking was...Areila should also be admired the same way that baby was. The mother of the baby was a friend of the family and even though I didn't go to her baby shower...I did send some things to her. She didn't even look my way....no thank you's, no "I'm sorries", not even a hello. I don't need to tell you what I did once I got home and on facebook.) I had to leave at one point and walked around the block when I wanted to have another drink but the baby was at the drink table and....after my aunt who, never called or sent a fucking card made a point to tell me, "how good I look....sorry about the baby....but you look really good." Then, two close family members decided to walk in front of me with "the baby" and then put the baby in my mother's arms as she was sitting right across from me at the table. It was too much and I gathered my children and husband and left. I texted something letting them know that I was hurt. When I shared my texted message, others didn't think it offensive but, clearly it offended this family member because they haven't spoken to me in over 3 months.

Oh...and how fucked up is your life when you spend your time at a party avoiding a baby?

Well.....the next day, I got a call from my mother. I, of course, didn't answer the phone so she left the sweetest little message about how I was basically destroying the family, and how disappointed she was in me for leaving and not saying goodbye. She was so pissed, she even called my husband who came to my rescue and explained things to her....that it was 3 months to the day that Areila was born, that I was missing her, that family functions will never be the same because we're missing one of our children, and that we were hurt by everyone's thoughtless actions. She cooled down some BUT.... about month later, she told me that I should apologize.

As I said before....I was in a very dark place for weeks and took myself to see a grief therapist who made me feel confident that my actions and feelings weren't foreign or out-of-line. She basically told me that I should not feel obligated to apologize for my grief making others feel uncomfortable. I still tried to put myself in their position and understand why they were so offended. It bothers me that I became the "bad guy" after being the one that suffered a devastating loss. Now, 6 months to the day...I am still "the bad" guy because he has yet to speak to me or stay in the room with me for longer than a couple minutes. Fucked up, huh?

Ok, the other day....my sister and I were discussing my oldest daughter and she stopped the conversation to tell me that she will never forget Areila. Her voice quivered, she sniffled, and had a hard time speaking as she explained to me that she doesnt mention Areila because she doesn't want to upset me but, Areila has helped her to cherish every good and bad moment of parenting her 3 beautiful children and to never ever take a moment for granted. What she said took my breath away because it took almost 6months for her to tell me this. I let her know that Areila is constantly on my mind and mentioning her name might bring tears but it's not because I don't want to speak of her. Yes, thinking about her and mentioning her name still makes me often cry because there is an emptiness in my heart and soul but I need to talk about her....I need others to recognize and remember her. I have a hard time letting others know this.

After speaking to my sister, I realized that I need to communicate my needs to others so that they can understand and support. That's pretty simple but most of the time, I have no fucking clue what I need or what the hell is going on in my mind and heart. Yet another reason why I avoid people....I'm too fucked up to help myself. It's a viscous cycle and some days, I find myself more assertive and can somewhat tell others what I feel and need while on other days, I find myself having to fight back tears as soon as I begin to speak.

So, people will continue to ignore me when I occasionally mention that I had a child die 4 days before her expected delivery date or that I have 3 children, 2 living.... and folks at work will continue to avoid interacting with me so that they don't have to mention my loss. (No need for them to worry....I only leave my classroom for meetings and potty breaks) Our neighbors will continue to avoid us like the plague.... Hell, my poor husband hasn't spoken to the once friendly folks, that live behind us all summer and we will continue to be univited to the yearly gatherings. No one will mention her to us because dammit, what will they say? A simple...."I have no words because I don't know...or perhaps they do know... but, know I'm sorry or I'm thinking of you." Avoiding and ignoring is like saying "fuck you to your family and to your dead baby....glad it's not me." So....I make everyone else comfortable by keeping my distance, avoiding them as much as they avoid me, and staying home as much as possible.... It's kinda difficult when you have a job, and children.

I had no clue that I'd ever take offense to the simple question, "how are you?" People don't really want that answer.... "Well, I cry too fucking much, I don't know what day it is, I don't sleep well, my memory is shot, I walk around in circles most of the day, speaking of circles....have you seen my eyes?....I worry all the time, guilt rests super heavy on my heart, I'm really really fucking angry at myself and the people that were supposed to know better, and I dislike interacting with most people because they don't fucking get it nor do they care to get it."

Oh....and there are triggers. EVERYWHERE. Babies, holidays, sometimes my 3yr old because Areila looked so much like her, families with 3 children, walking through the baby section of stores to get to the toddler section, sometimes even seeing pregnant women because I wonder if they KNOW that babies die or if they will be 'next', tv commercials, billboards, and stupid acting people that feel it necessary to complain about the "normal" and wonderful things that babies do. Oh what I wouldn't give...to be 50lbs heavier, washing poopy diapers, and waking up several times at night to nurse a baby.

My poor husband...I cry everywhere and on several occassions, I've broken down at the dinner table...in restaurants. I really have no control over it because once I get to a certain point....there is absolutely no way that I can stop the tears. I'm pretty sure I'm developing a bit of agoraphobia....crowds cause me to have great anxiety because of the reasons I stated above. One of these days he'll learn and keep my ass at home. Poor guy....