My daughter, not thinking that it would bother me, told me today that my older sister had her baby. I very quickly told her that I didn't care.... One of my coping mechanisms has been to avoid situations...conversations...people. My husband made the stupid, stupid, stupid decision, as we were holding and saying our FINAL goodbyes to Areila, to tell me why his 16 yr old son was avoiding him. I assumed he was going to tell me his son was in jail because he was already selling drugs, and in a gang.... Well, it was the other nightmare that I predicted years before.... His girlfriend was 5 months pregnant. REALLY?!!?!?!?!?!??? All I could think was, poor baby....but it hurts my heart knowing that I had a means of providing, caring for, and loving my precious baby and she was taken away from me. Here this poor kid is, being born into a fucked up family....fucked up mother (that looks all of about 12yrs old)....fucked up father that is a gangbanger, weed-head. Yes, young people can turn their lives around and be great parents but the odds are against them and these poor children that they bring in the world. Yet, another situation that made me have great difficulty believing in the 'great and powerful' god.
When my husband, who probably could have been a much more active parent with his own son, told me he wanted a relationship with this baby....it felt like the ultimate betrayal of Areila and me. It's shameful for me to have these feelings and thoughts but it literally felt like I was dying when he told me this. I'm probably wrong for doing this but I asked my husband to not discuss his son, the baby and that situation with me. I told him that I didn't want to know when the baby comes....I'm sure he's here by now but I just can't....and I don't know when/if I'll be able to deal with the whole situation. The timing of this could REALLY not be any worse. Thinking about that situation feels like 100 bricks resting on my heart.
Anyway, going back to my sister.... She has always had a love-hate relationship with me. I think it all stemmed from when my parents divorced when I was just a toddler.....I got to stay with my mother and the rest of my siblings and she didn't. She didn't stay because she wasn't my mother's biological child and my father took her with him when they divorced. My father had custody of her because her mother basically abandoned her and she's spent 38yrs of her life desperate to have a decent and 'normal' relationship with her mother and it has yet to happen. I adored my older sister when I was younger and she was as mean as mean could be to me. Oddly, when things occasionally went down, she stepped up and always had my back if anyone else messed with me....perhaps, to keep me alive so that she could mentally and physically torment me. This continued into adulthood (minus the physical) and up until about a month before I gave birth to Areila, when I said enough was enough. She and her new husband decided to tag team and criticize my parenting (ON FACEBOOK), because I don't believe in "beating my kids til I lose weight". She and her husband are both in the military and have both relied on others to raise their children. I let them know that I found it puzzling that two people who both had to rely on others to raise their children were criticizing my parenting. In fact, my oldest niece spent more time with my father and step-mother than she did with my sister. I played an active role in the raising of my niece...she was my first 'babygirl'. We later found out that my sister CHOSE to be deployed.
Well, when my sister found out that I was pregnant, she of course, had something negative to say about me for wanting one more child. My response was for her to back off because she just got married to a (significantly) younger man and he was going to want children. A month or two later, I found out she was pregnant. My oldest niece is 18 and my sister just had a baby.... yet, she felt it appropriate to talk shit about me, my "old" husband, and my children (mainly my oldest).
I don't wish ill will on anyone and I definitely don't want another family to experience the devastation that mine has but.... FUCK. It's so bittersweet. I'm happy the baby is here and healthy and I'm happy for her but I'm still hurt and angry... She's such a mean spirited person and although I'm not perfect and have many flaws....I try my best to be simply open, compassionate, and caring. Basically, all the things that my sister is not. She got to keep her baby. I know I sound like a child when I say, it's unfair....but IT IS!!!!!
Ok...after I internally processed these shameful and embarassing emotions and thoughts, my daughter showed me the bottom of the mug that I just got finished sipping. There at the bottom of the mug, was a stain in the shape of a heart. She told me it was a sign from Areila.....telling us that she loved us. I'm pretty sure its coincidence....but I do find comfort knowing that there is a possiblity that my precious Areila is with me..... Maybe?
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