I had to do it....

So, I'm having to sip on a little rum and diet to get this post going... Trying to figure out where to begin....

I guess, as it relates to my 'now',....I'll begin with the day that I gave birth to Areila, my mother came to the hospital. She was my last visitor because she was the caretaker of my 97yr old grandmother up until a few months ago. Anyway, the l&d nurse asked me if we wanted a pastor to visit or have Areila baptized and to me, the question was ridiculous but my mother questioned me when I declined any clergy from visiting. Areila's lively spirit left her perfect little body before her body left mine. What would be the purpose of baptizing her? Would 'god' not let her in his/her 'kingdom'? An innocent child....really?!?!?!?

I cannot BEGIN to tell you the fucknuttery that I've heard since I lost Areila...in regards to religion. FYI for folks that call themselves religious...telling a mother that their dead child is in a better place....or god wanted her back....calling her death a 'homegoing' or other such fucked up shit is NOT comforting. In fact....it makes me angry and makes me REALLY dislike god. Oh... but my favorite of all time is.... 'god wouldn't give your more than he thinks you can handle'. REALLY!?!?!? Because I REALLY can't handle my life right now....really. I feel like I'm sinking and a horrible mother and wife on a daily basis. Thanks god, but put this shit on someone who carelessly abuses their body and who doesn't seem to care about others because I genuinely care for others, I love my family, and I want more than anything for all of my children to be living, happy and healthy. I have 3 children and only one is all three--living, happy, and healthy!

Two people, and surprisingly, mothers who lost babies as well....told me the most troubling and sick shit I've ever heard. One told me 'the devil took my baby' and the other told me 'god was punishing me for my wrongdoings'. REALLY?!?!?!?...because there are women who abuse their children and allow men to abuse and molest their children, yet many of them continue to have beautiful healthy babies for either themselves or others to continue fucking up. Why aren't they being 'punished'? People throw their babies in dumpsters, molest, and murder their children, etc..... and yet 'god' keeps 'giving' them more innocent lives to destroy. Now, I've done some destructive things in my life that I'm not proud of but nothing....NOTHING has come anywhere as close to equaling the devastation of losing a child.

Here is one that REALLY gets to me....a family member sent me something that she found comfort in but only made me angry. I think it was from the blog of a woman that lost her child to stillbirth and she found solace knowing that god basically sacrificed his own son and that we should know that 'god cries with us'. HUH?!?!!?!?!?!??? Call me selfish but sorry....not a chance....not over MY dead body will I EVER, EVER, EVER intentionally put my children in harms way!!!! Is the world REALLY a better place because god sacrificed his child...or is he/she thinking....woah, I fucked up. Look at all the horrible atrocities that have occured throughout history in the name of religion and Christianity. WHATEVER....

My oldest daughter is very angry with god right now and her thoughts are also, my own, but I don't want to drag her into my world and taint her with my beliefs, so I keep my mouth shut and just listen when she talks about her frustration with god. No one has been able to explain to me why, if god is so darn powerful....he/she inflicts such devastation and pain on people....undeserving people. Babies and children just should not die.....I keep saying it...and it sounds so simple-minded. What points are there to prove? If god is as powerful as others believe he/she is....then why does he/she allow bad things to happen to good people and good things happen to bad. It makes no sense and there is no rhyme or reason.

I was on the fence with my faith before my loss but hearing all of the fucked up religious bullshit, has taken me right on over. I like to think that if god exists...he/she is like the 'wizard of oz'. People think he/she is so powerful but he/she is nothing more than a man/woman behind the curtain...watching the Universe do its thing... unable to do or change anything....but maybe the only power he/she possesses is immortality. Even that sounds like a curse right about now.

So, I've officially given up religion. (This might be a challenge, since my husband shares Jehovah Witnesses' beliefs) I know for some, having stronger faith has changed their lives and kept them from sinking....as for me, I've witnessed too much of the judgement, negativity, hypocrisy and hate that religion has brought to many. I can possess and teach my children about love, oppenness, respect, and compassion without being controlled by man's often harmful mythology. However, I will teach my children about the different religions of the world and allow them to follow the beliefs of their choice...after all, the premise of all religions is what I stated above---love, compassion, openness, respect.....

Yes, Jesus was a loving, compassionate, and self-less person....so was Muhammed, Eleos, Moses, Hanuman, Buddha, etc.... These figures are a part of every culture and religion since the beginning... I'm tired and can't think of others so feel free to throw in some more names....or judge me and call me crazy for my beliefs...whatever.

I had some Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door a little over a month ago and I've NEVER been more glad to have them tapping on my door. Surpringly, my husband went to the basement and left me to deal with them. I literally RAN to the door because it was MY opportunity to kindly tell them to shove their religious, door-to-door, sales pitch up their ass. It was surprisingly a caucasian man with a black woman (I've NEVER had any white JW come to my door)....anyway, he asked me...'do you ever wonder why bad things happen to good people'. My breath was taken away.....it was my lucky fucking day!!!!! I replied...'why yes....I had a baby die a few months ago...there is no explanation for that.' I totally caught them off-guard and he tried to talk about his brother who died from pancreatic cancer...but my response was, 'I'm so sorry to hear about your brother because I hear pancreatic cancer is terrible but there is no reason...none...for god to allow babies to die'. So, they whip out the bible....and I basically told him that I was unimpressed with their mythology....that I thought it was quite pompous for them to think that THEIR book is the ONLY 'truth' and words of 'god'.....I also let them know that my family is versed on many books of faith and I teach my children to have (again) love, respect, openness and compassion for all people. So the guy tells me about his 'conversations with his Jewish friends'. I acted very unimpressed and all they could basically say was, they were sorry and that he'd return with his wife. WHATEVER! Next time....I'll ask if they 'want to hold my daughter', and put the urn in their hands and see how well they discuss the topic of 'why god allows bad things to happen to good people.' That encounter put a tiny smile on my face.....sick, huh?

So, I put this question out there.....instead of trying to convince yourself and others that there is only one explanation to life and death and everything in between....why not just admit that you don't really know? Why not be open to what is out there...and what isn't?