My last post is embarassing and shameful.... but it's my fucked up reality! And here is where the guilt comes in....and squeezes my heart so tight. I should't be jealous or hurt when other people get to KEEP their babies. But I am! I'm sure THEY took their pregnancies for granted like I but I doubt that they would have taken it as far as I did. Areila had signs that she was fading and even though that horrible midwife blew me off and basically treated me like I was one of her medicaid patients (which is so fucking wrong, wrong, wrong!)....I should have insited...I should have just gone in to the ER. They would have HAD to monitor me and then they probably would have found that she was in distress and she'd be in my arms right now, and tears and snot would not be streaming down my face as I enter yet another post in this blog....AND.... I wouldn't be living this now, surreal life. Four days....I was four days away. Mothers are supposed to protect their children and advocate for them because they can't....I should not have allowed her to treat me like she did. I shouldn't have been so ignorant to THIS reality. I still can't believe this happened. That I was pregnant for 9 months...that I gave birth to my dead child and life is not REAL anymore.
Today, I was driving on the highway and had no fucking clue where I was.... I seriously couldn't remember where I was..... I knew I was on my way home but my thoughts were once again consuming me and I was on auto-pilot. It wasn't the first time it happened. I often get to my destinations not knowing how in the hell I got there. I guess, this is my life now...foggy....and just not real. But at least I'm mastering 'going through the motions'. I can now smile and laugh and pretend....but it just doesn't feel right.
I can no longer live a carefree life. My mind won't stop thinking of the 'what ifs'. Not only do I continually play the 'what ifs' of almost 6 months ago but the 'what ifs' of my now. Every illness that my children have, send my mind to wandering and battling the negative thoughts that incessantly find their way in. What if these daily tummy aches that my 3yr old has, are something serious that the doctors aren't finding and what if they don't find out something is seriously wrong until it's too late. What if the exhaustion that I carry with me everyday has nothing to do with the fact that my mind won't stop even when my body is supposed to be resting and is something terminal and I die...and my children are left motherless? What if my oldest daughter in unable to battle the mental illness that she's been fighting all her life and it consumes her and.... UGH!!!! It frustrates and angers me when I people tell me I'm "so strong/brave". I'm not brave and I'm not strong! Where does the bravery come in? Because I haven't jumped off a bridge or put myself in a coma with a bottle of Southern Comfort???I'm just doing and going through the motions because I HAVE to....because I have living children and a husband that I love dearly and who need me. Everything changes for a parent after they lose a child. I can't imagine life every being bliss again. I'm aging rapidly.
Yesterday, I auditioned for a band....and I joined a band. They asked me on the spot if I would join their group and I agreed. I'm somewhat kicking myself because as much as music is so important to my life, the genre of music is not where my passions lie. I'm torn because I have nothing else and it WOULD be a somewhat good experience to have this outlet....but I'm not sure if I can be the 'life of the party' for 4hrs a gig. I might come home and pull my hair out....or drink myself into oblivion. I have a degree in theatre but SHIT! I want to be able to put my heart and soul into a song and for others to appreciate and 'feel' MY song. Funk and Disco are good for a set...not a gig. Jazz and Blues is where I find myself....
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(This is where I am....these are the lyrics and melodies where I want to put my heart and energy~I have stories to tell and songs to sing~for my baby girl)
I really wish you could stop beating yourself up, N. I know, easier said than done. I still do it, too. But. I HAVE to tell you...I've been a member of this community for almost a year now, and I know WAY too many mamas that lost their babies WHILE BEING MONITORED. Sitting in hospital beds just hours from delivery. Seriously. The monitors are not magic. Hard lesson I had to learn, that's for sure. They only tell so much.
ReplyDeleteMany times the baby doesn't make it, even with an emergency csection. Many times the baby does survive but is brain dead and has to be taken off of life support anyway. Maybe you're like me and you think to yourself, "Yeah, BUT I would have liked to have given my baby EVERY chance at survival!!!" But when I really look at this sh*tty situation square in the face, I realize that it wouldn't have mattered in the end. Maybe for me it's "easier" because I KNOW my type of loss happens over an eleven minute span on average, so I realize we were just f*cked. I don't know. I just hope somehow you can get to a place where you aren't so consumed by the anger and the guilt.
I know all of this is SO hard to digest, and we want to believe it could have been different, but when I am thinking logically and rationally (which is rare these days) I know in my heart that my son was okay...And when he wasn't okay, it would have been too late anyway.
What your midwife did was WRONG. So wrong. I am not trying to say she is "off the hook". She should have had you monitored, even if it meant your outcome wouldn't have changed. It angers me very much. But. Do not blame yourself honey. You did not KNOW something was really wrong, or you would have gone to HELL AND BACK for your Areila.
I think the hardest lesson in all of this for me is to learn to break the illusion of having control over things that I don't. Hugs to you girly. ~L