As I was going around in circles, crying, cleaning, and crying even more. I decided that I should have some kind of service for my precious baby girl. Again, this territory was so foreign....I didn't know that you should/could recognize the life of a precious baby that never took her first breath. I felt so defeated and hepless that I was somewhat stuck in the mindset of.... "what for...she's gone".....but I didn't want to have regrets. I'm so glad my wonderful midwife/friend planted that seed and made it "ok" to show my family and friends my precious baby and how much I truly love her. It was planned for 2 weeks from the day that I came home from the hospital and my amazing best friend put EVERYTHING together for me. I just told her what I wanted and she did the rest. We planned it for two weeks away because we were initially told that it would take 2 weeks for the autopsy to be complete and for her to be cremated. I got the shock of my life when I called back the next day to find out that the autopsy was complete and she was going to be cremated that day or the next. AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Things were moving way too quickly. I wanted to see her again....I never told anyone but I felt like I had to say goodbye...one more time. It didn't happen and that's one regret of many that I have.
We picked up her urn about a week later and on the board in the office, it had, "baby girl Ringwalt". It made it so final....so real. But still unreal...babies dont die, right? I asked that they put some of her ashes in the charm that I had personalized and the secretary commented on how pretty it was. I of course, lost it....it again, made it so real.... People should be commenting on the beauty of my LIVING baby girl but could only speak about the tiny urn that I wear around my neck. My poor husband I think he's now getting used to the fact that his wife can be 'ok' on second and a snotty, sobbing mess the next. He still seems to go in panic mode when I cry in restaurants....can't blame him.
I won't go over every detail of the memorial service but....we had it at our home and I wanted it outside. The weather was warm, the sun was shining but I was still in my hazy, trippy world.... Friends and family came to support us. It was a very overwhelming day and I had to take a moment to step outside of my body so that I could get through the day. It's like I went through the motions but I watched myself do it from afar.
I had the video of pictures of Areila playing in the family room. It did make my heart ache when I came down to find everyone crammed in the kitchen. Only one friend sat in the family room to watch the video and maybe 2 others stopped to look at my beautiful baby. This was the first event of many that brought home the reality that the death of babies and the facts surrounding Areila's death, make people VERY uncomfortable and they just dont want to go "there". Well, too fucking bad....it makes me very uncomfortable too and I have no choice but to go "there"...just about every waking minute and it finds a way to creep in my sleep too. It's a reality...babies die! They shouldn't but they do!!!
I've got to add this... I didn't want anything religious for the memorial service. My husband and I have very different religious beliefs. I had issues with religion before Areila's death and NOW.... Well, we'll just make that a topic for a future post. Anyway, I had a friend, who has the ability to communicate with spirits and angels, read a message she channeled for the memorial service. I'm sure my ultra-religious family members had a lot to talk about on their ride home.
Balloon release at the end of the service. My 3yr old still talks about giving Areila 2 balloons when we mention her in our nightly prayers....
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