I couldn't figure out where I wanted to go but I just needed to get away. I thought about going to Sedona which is known to be a great spiritual place for healing and renewal. I asked a couple friends about other places to go and two mentioned Kripalu in Massachusettes. One friend said her visit was life changing and the other said it saved her marriage. So....I was all for it! It took me a while to focus and fully commit to a date, and to then book the flight.
I went on a mini "family vacation" a few days before my trip and it was a disaster. I should not have gone but my children deserved some time away. It was a trip I planned when I was still pregnant and one that I was looking forward to....until. My sister's and cousin's families were in on the trip and I couldn't keep my mind off the fact that Areila should have been there...that she should be going from arm to arm to arm. I had even bought her a swimming suit in preparation for the summer and that trip. It was torture....there was someone missing and I couldn't take my mind off her to remotely enjoy it. My poor husband was again, left to give our children some semblance of normalcy and fun. Again....I don't know what I would have done without him.
The time came for me to leave and I kissed my husband and girls goodbye and took my first trip alone. I ran away....
It was a small plane and luckily I was in the isle that only had one seat. I read a book on relationships after loss and cried the WHOLE plane ride there.
I went with totally unrealistic expectations of myself. I seriously thought about Areila and fought tears the WHOLE time. I thought fuck...I just couldn't escape it. I thought that 6weeks had passed and it was time to get on with my life. I was tired of crying. I hated it. I still do.... I especially hated crying in front of others because how much vulnerability should one person show? I have always been known as the happy and positive one that even though my life was sometimes really fucked up....no one knew because I was always smiling and cheery. Wow...have I changed.
I basically settled in on the first day. I made the decision that I was going to eat. I seriously hadn't eaten in 6wks....well, no more than a graham cracker and/or carrot here and there. At that point, I had lost about 40lbs of the weight I gained during pregnancy...without even trying. I met some people in the dining hall and one woman asked me how many children I had. I think it was the first time anyone asked me that question since my world got turned upside down, and then shaken. I told her I had 3 beautiful girls....2 living. She responded with an "oh" and quickly changed the subject. She told me that she was a yoga instructor and was there for a 'yoga nidra' program that the center piloted for people suffering from ptsd. She went on to tell me that it was a program that the military has used and found success. I later had a meditation session by an old wrinkled lady that turned out to be really hip and a wealth of knowledge. She had a very unique energy about her.....
The first full day, I went on a hike to the lake.... It was the first time that I was remotely active in months. It felt good to have control of my body and to be able to move freely but then, I felt so guilty for having my body back....I would have carried Areila for another 5yrs if it meant that the outcome would be a living, breathing and healthy baby! I hiked to the lake and back and while at the lake, I saw a lady and her friend with an adorable baby that was crawling in the sand. I hiked back in time for an energy therapy treatment. Seems like a bunch of hocus pocus but I wanted so much to be "normal" again and was willing to do anything for it. I didn't feel much different after the session but I was hopeful.
I went to another session but the instructor was a no-show and they had to call in someone else to lead the group. So, it ended up being a "sharing circle". I thought to myself....OH SHIT! People went around the room to basically share their stories of how/why they made a "pilgrimage" to Kripalu. I recognized the woman in front of me as the one from the lake. She opened her mouth and began crying as she began explaining about how difficult motherhood was for her....how she just wanted sleep...how she gets lots of help but it was too much for her. Well, the sharing went around the room and people told of how they just needed to get away, one couple spoke about their terminally ill child, one about their recovery from cancer and then.... it was my turn. FUCK. I began speaking about my family and then....mentioned the events of 6wks before that time and....it took my breath away. The pain was choking me.... Shit! I was breathless and crying in front of a room full of strangers. I was eventually able to breathe and the sharing finished moving through the room. I guess it wasn't so bad crying in front of a room full of people but it still kinda sucked.
I encountered the overwhelmed new mother several times and she seemed to avoid eye contact and ME like the plague. Never lifted her head as I passed her in the hallway and even got her naked ass out of the "clothing optional" whirlpool as soon as I got in. (Yeah, I wore a swimsuit....I have body image issues) I have never felt the way that she did about motherhood...but I wanted to at least, tell her that the sleepless nights would quickly pass and to not take a moment with her precious daughter for granted.
On the 3rd day, I decided to take the longer hiking trail. Well....I got a little lost. There I was, a lone black woman in the mountains of massachusettes....lost. Thank goodness I brought my cell phone with me and the gps got me on track. I knew as long as I headed towards the lake, I'd be able to find my way back and that's just what happened. Once I got to the lake....I did a stupid thing and took my phone back out to read an email. I'm glad I did because it was from a new friend that has written several books on loss, particularly loss due to miscarriage and stillbirth. I had written her earlier, concerned that I was still so deep in grief and wondering if something was wrong with me. She responded with a basic question of... if I didn't grieve for and miss my precious daughter...who would? Didn't she deserve the depth of my love and should my other children know the depth of love that I have for them and Areila. It made all the sense in the world. I sat in silence at the bank of the lake, closed my eyes, and opened them to see a heron hover the lake, I heard the songbirds song and I saw a butterfly move gracefully in the distance. It was then, that I allowed myself to feel my first milisecond of peace.
That day I had an amazing massage....went to my 2nd yoga class during my stay....and met a doctor that was away from her young children for the first time. She asked me about my children and I shared my story about Areila and we cried together. Ha!
On the last day, I ran into the woman that blew me off when I told her about my 3 beautiful girls (2 living). She put her arms around me and apologized as tears came down her face, for not knowing how to respond and thanked me for including all of my children. It caught me off guard and I didn't realize what she was even talking about until I walked away. (I'm a little slow nowadays).
So....the trip wasn't what I initially expected it to be....but it began my long process of healing and allowing the sun to shine if only for a second or two.... Not of "gettin over it" but getting on WITH IT. How could I ever forget...her?
Thank you 'A' and 'C'! I love you both!
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