DIG!!!!

I began digging about a week after I gave birth to Areila. In hindsight, I realize that I did WAY too much physical stuff and didn't allow my body to heal but I needed to do something. I'm thankful, I'm not noticing that I did any damage. My back still hurts from the epidurals but that's not my fault. Anyway, I wanted to have a garden put together for the memorial service. Well, that didn't quite happen because I was too busy cleaning, crying, and going around in circles in my gray and foggy world, to have it done by then.

Woah...let me rewind. I decided to plant a memorial garden for my baby girl. I had it all planned out....a bench, flowers, an engraved stone with her name, etc.... I needed something to do.... a way to "mother" my child. YES...it is VERY important to still be your dead child's mother and to find a way to care for them even though they're not in your arms.

Anyway, it annoyed my husband that I dug up all the daylillies that he moved from the front yard to the back, the year before, but I didn't care. Our baby was more important than some stupid ass daylillies. So, I dug them all up and we made a trip to the garden center.... I, of course made it difficult for the workers there because I wanted ALL pink and purple flowers that attracted butterflies and I wanted them to bloom all season long. I hate to see beautiful flowers die...(my issues with death) I did make one exception...I bought butterfly milkweed which is orange, but it's the only plant monarchs will feed on. Anyway, they were very knowledgeable but kept showing me orange and yellow flowers...what the fuck!!! I knew what I wanted so I politely thanked them and picked my own damn flowers.

We battled the rabbits throughout the summer because I guess flowers that attract butterflies are also pretty tasty to furry creatures. It warmed my heart to see the butterflies fluttering around the yard at the end of the season. The weather is quickly cooling and I'm desperately searching for another way to "mother" my baby girl during the winter. Sigh....