I came home from the hospital a day before Mother's Day and I couldn't believe folks were wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day". HAPPY!?!?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me? Mother's day will NEVER....EVER be the same! I'm missing a very important element...person....that completes me as a MOTHER.
Anyway, the next day, which was a Monday, I went to the funeral home to arrange things for Areila's cremation and to choose an urn. Blah... I expected to cry more but the whole thing just sucked and the director wasn't very warm. I was a hot, swollen mess...I looked and felt awful. We didn't like any of the urns so we had one custom designed. Still didn't make things better....our baby's precious body was going to be put in 3x3x3 cube. FOREVER
When I got home from the funeral home... I needed to do something. All I could think of was...I should be nursing my baby...I should be changing a diaper...I should be taking care of my baby..... What the hell am I going to do? My milk had just started to come in and that was a torturous event. HORRIBLE!! So wrong in every way. I just couldn't believe that this was my life.
I began to clean...I also did A LOT of going around in circles....unable to focus on anything for long but....I did clean. I dusted....and scrubbed....and washed walls... cleaned baseboards...and ran the carpet cleaner....and cried...and cried...and cried.... Still in shock...still in disbelief...still holding on to the notion that it was all a dream.
The phone rang....text messages came in....emails came in....but I didn't answer...I couldn't.
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