How do I begin to tell the story....

Let me premise this with....there will be a lot of profanity. This is probably going to be my padded room for a while so, reader BEWARE!

There's a battle going on....my life vs. the Universe. I feel like as soon as I think I have a grasp on my life, the Universe comes back and knocks me on my ass as I hold my chest, gasping for air. (You know...the Fred Sanford look)

Where do I even fucking begin?? May 5, 2011.... Or should I go back a little further to May 1, 2011... Hell, I should really go back to August 28, 2011.

Aug 28, 2011 was the day that my precious baby was conceived. It consisted of my friends Shannon and Jacob coming over to help finish off the booze that was left over from my husband's retirement party. Larry and I threw caution to the wind.... Left the Trojans happily in the drawer and made love...screwed...fucked....hit it...hugged (what we call it around the kids)...did the bump and grind (hehehe)....whatever you want to call. WOW...I had a bit of an edge before and now, I really don't give a fuck. Life is so damn different now. I don't give a shit what people think of me....what matters the most to me are my children and my husband. THAT'S ABOUT IT!

The next day...I knew I was pregnant... don't know how I knew....I just knew it. So, by the end of the 2 week wait....all I had to do was pee on a stick to confirm it and....that's just what I did. The night before I pee'd on that stick, My husband and I had a dinner party, had a great time with friends....got our drink on....got our eat on....etc. I was happy....Larry was....ok with it, I guess. I made sure to take a picture of myself because I had worked very hard to lose about 35lbs and figured I was going to put on about 35lbs of baby. As soon as the pee stick confirmed it, I was a woman on a mission to wash walls, scrub floors, sew, cook, groom dog, etc.... because I knew once the pregnancy hormones kicked in, I'd be on my ass for the duration of the pregnancy. AND.....that's just what happened.


Let me also say....I feel VERY blessed, lucky...whatever....to be fertile. I got pregnant with my first w/o trying, 1st try with my second daughter and really, w/o even trying with my third. I don't take that lightly and know that I am truly a lucky person in that department.


Ok....I don't do pregnancy well.... It's a good thing that I REALLY love my babies and REALLY love being a mother or my first child would be a first and last. I'm basically nauseous and puking the whole 9 months.... I'm exhausted, cranky, cant stand smells....can't move...can't sleep....uncomfortable...you name it. BUT it's sooooo worth it! Call me crazy but I love washing poopy diapers....I love nursing my babies....I love the good bad, amazing, scary and downright ugly parts of motherhood.... I LOVE IT! It feels so right to me and one of the things that I think I do fairly well. It took time for me to feel confident with my mothering....there are 8yrs between my oldest 2 children. I never thought I'd have any other children after my oldest because I divorced her father when she was an infant. When I met my current husband....he planted the "we would have beautiful children" seed and so curiousity killed the cat. HE WAS RIGHT!!! My 2nd child is absolutely beautiful to go along with my first and my 3rd is gorgeous like her older sisters.

I will spare you all of the details of the pregnancy. I certainly complained enough on facebook for 20 people. I was a true ass. I took everything for granted. I assumed I would have my third and final child and live happily ever after in 'Pretentia'. Even though 'Pretentia' is not me....I already broke the rule by having 3 children and not the typical two.

This pregnancy almost ended my marriage. I developed pregnancy induced heart arrythmia and it kicked my ass. According to the doctors, they were harmless to my precious baby and myself but it took every ounce of anything out of me. My husband was left to be caretaker of the house and it put a lot of strain on our relationship. I was seriously considering leaving him after the baby arrived.

We were so relieved to be in our last month of pregnancy and especially relieved that our new baby girl was scheduled to come 2 weeks before her due date by induction. Her eye color was a hot topic among my husband and I because our 3yr old has blue eyes and neither Larry nor I have blue eyes. In fact, I'm black and I really do believe people thought I was my daughters nanny for a long time until she started to get her "ethnic" look. Another hot topic was, what title we would give Larry. Our three year old called him only honey up until about a month or so before that time.

I had no energy but pushed myself to finally wash clothes, diapers, prepare the bassinet, and finalize things for her arrival. I still didn't have my hospital bag fully packed when I woke up on a Sunday, May 1 and noticed that she wasn't in constant motion like she appeared to always be.... so I warned Larry that we might be going to the hospital. I called the midwife and she told me very non-chalantly that babies' movement slows in the end and as long as I had 3 movements in an hour, things should be fine. That didn't sound right to me and I let her know that I had a VERY active baby that normally made 3 movements in a 1 minute period and the difference from the day before to that day was like night and day. She went on to tell me that "obese women often have difficulty feeling their babies move". I told her that just the day before I could see legs and feet poking out my belly and she just blew me off. She told me that the movement can be ever so slight but to consider it movement. Okay....I'm not a little chick (size 14) but I'm far from some of the women that I've seen enter their office. I got off the phone thinking WHAT THE FUCK but said to myself, "ok....I'm a week away...just hang in there....she's the professional....a bitch, but the professional"....

Here is big ole fat, pregnant me.... So obese that you can hardly tell that I'm pregnant...right? No wonder why she thought I couldn't feel my baby move...huh?