The Power of Now....

I mentioned in one of my previous posts, that 'living in the now' is what got me through my pregnancy, mainly the first trimester.  What this means to ME is putting aside all the pain and heartache and even happiness of the past and the uncertainty of the future and living in every moment and putting my heart, energy, and thoughts into every single....moment.  I did do a lot of living in the moment about a year ago, as I was falling more and more in love with my two new girls every day.  I fell in love with them in a much different way than my other children and that was because of my past.  So, 'living in the now' wasn't what I actually did because the past truly shapes my NOW and the eyes that I use to see my world....NOW.  Confused yet?  It's a little wackadoodle.

I think once people have their "rainbows", or subsequent living children after loss, others from the land of 'babies don't die', assume that our grief and heartache ends.  I do believe they think, " it's all over now and you have your baby and so, you get over it already."  It really doesn't happen like that.  Often times, loss mothers put their grief aside to get through their rainbow pregnancies and once their children arrive, the grief wave comes voraciously rolling in again.  It's often so difficult to be sucked into two vacuums....the one of surreal happiness and the other, of unending grief.  I know I've often looked down at my beautiful sleeping baby and had my breath taken away because she looked so much like her big sister.  There will always be reminders and I'm sure, there will always be moments when my grief appears and takes me steps back.

The sometimes difficult reality for me is....my two amazing daughters would not be here had Areila lived.  So, I have feelings of guilt and being torn between missing my daughter and being thankful for....her not being here.

So, as a mother who has had a child die...(inside of me), I realize that I am too aware that tomorrow is not promised.  I, on a daily basis, sometimes on a minute to minute basis, am consumed with, and fight the negative thoughts and what ifs.  When I get in the car, I have to often count car seats and children repetitively, I fight images of a car accident that could take the lives of my children, I worry about leaving windows open in my home out of fear that they will be kidnapped....I worry that I will fall while carrying them and by some freak accident fatally injure them....  I watch them sleep because I fear that one day I will go in their cribs to wake them and they won't be breathing.  I worry about them choking on food and not too long ago, it happened.  One of them choked and thankfully, I was able to dislodge it but all I could do afterwards was stand frozen, looking at them and cry.  I am too aware of all the horrible things that can happen.  I feel so lucky to have them and I'm beyond grateful for them but I also fear that one or both can be taken away.  It is a constant battle....

So, a couple weeks ago, a (I'm sure...or hope) a well meaning family member kept looking at them and saying, "two for the price of one".   It seriously made me nauseous.

 I thought I was going to die after Areila died.  Part of me did die....  My living children suffered because of their sister's death.  My life forever changed, in turn, changing my family's lives.  I almost lost my fucking mind grieving and I still feel like I'm going to lose it at times.  I still perseverate.  I still carry a lot of anger that I don't want.  I still carry a lot of guilt.  Carrying and bringing these two new lives into the world was the 2nd most difficult period of my life.  Keeping my children safe and alive while constantly fighting to 'live in the now' is my life.  "Two for the price of one"?  REALLY!?!??

So....  I will continue to find comfort and peace in looking at their sweet little faces and watching their chests rise and fall as they sleep.