Speechless

I already had my doctor chosen before I even got pregnant.  Obviously, I wasn't even using the same group or hospital system that I used before.  As soon as my doctor heard that I was pregnant, she gave me a call and got me in sooner than the 8+wks that they now like you to wait before your first appointment.  I brought my husband with me for support, just in case I was given bad news.  

Well, she decided to do an early ultrasound and this was the first one that I had since I lost Areila.  I seriously felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest as we waited for her to enter the room.  When she began the ultrasound, she paused and turned the screen to herself.  My heart sunk, and I gave my husband the look of: here we go again.  I just knew it was an ectopic pregnancy...or a molar pregnancy...or worse...a tumor.  She turned the screen back to face us and announced, "here THEY are".  Sure enough, there were two itty bitty beans on the screen with tiny flickering heartbeats.  My first second of digesting the news was shock and the following seconds were terror.  I wish I felt joy but I didn't.  I just couldn't be joyful at that moment because I knew too fucking much.  I've been tainted with the reality that babies die...  So many things can go wrong and I've come to know of many eternally devastated mothers whose dreams were broken because they've lost a child...and even worse....more than one child.  I am one of them!  I know that more often than people can ever imagine, one twin does not make it.  So, there I was with an absolutely surprised, and elated husband confirming what he saw on the screen with  the question..."wait they are twins?"  As soon as my doctor saw the tears coming down my face, she assured me that everything would be fine and asked me to get dressed and meet her in her office.  

While in her office, my little spunky 4'11 doctor began pulling paperwork and talking a mile a minute about her plan for me.  She chuckled and told me, "well, there's no dispute about how early you'll deliver" because when I met her BEFORE I got pregnant, the only thing we disputed was how early I'd deliver.  I just didn't want to get to 37weeks because that was when Areila died.  Anyway, she walked through her plan for the next 7 months, risks, etc.... but all I could do was cry thinking about the fact that I carry ALL of the risk factors for stillbirth.  I'm NOW advanced maternal age (OLD), black,  had a previous full term loss, carrying twins....and overweight.  FUCK.  Oh...and don't forget my heart issues!  A twin pregnancy puts a lot of strain on the heart.  FUCK!!  Well, from what I remember, my doctor did have a good plan with frequent ultrasounds, lots of bloodwork, frequent visits, and lots of monitoring.  Gosh, I wish I had her confidence and optimism.  

When we left the doctors office, all I could do was stare at the little ultrasound picture of the two tiny beans.  Twins don't run in my family...in fact, there are NO twins on either side of my family....the Universe was really trying to teach my soul some lessons.  I planned to wait as long as possible to tell my close family and friends but after the initial shock and terror, I sent them a picture of my ultrasound. Of course, no one picked up that there were TWO babies....why would they?  Who loses a baby days before her expected birth and then gets pregnant with twins?

With that being said, I began feeling guilty....  How did I get pregnant on the first try again?  And how did I get pregnant with twins?  I've got friends who are depleting their savings and putting themselves through month after month of drugs, disappointment and heartache, trying to have the one treasure that most people, and before Areila, even I,  somewhat took for granted....children.  There I was, a mother of 5 and 2 out of 5 was more than what some of my friends had.