I went for it...

I'm finally sitting down to put my the many overwhelming and breath-taking thoughts of the last 8 or so months into this blog.  I've made many, many attempts to sit down and actually channel my thoughts but couldn't...can't exactly say why...but I just couldn't.

I remember clearly, the day after I gave birth to Areila, one of the postpartum nurses totally breaking down after wheeling my beautiful, yet lifeless baby to my room.  She shared with me that she had 3 girls and how absolutely beautiful my Areila was.  Well, she went on to ask me if she'd see me back in labor and delivery in a couple years.  I was so damn insulted....how could this bitch even think to ask me such a question?  After carrying a baby for 9 months, after the suffering of pregnancy, after my marriage was almost destroyed, and then having to do the most humbling thing a person could do---labor and deliver a dead baby and she was asking me about having another.  I was so angry after that question!!!  Life...god...the universe was so damn cruel to me! 

Well, it took about 2 weeks after Areila's death and birth that I decided, I had to try again.  I couldn't let this heartache and devastation be the leading force for the rest of my life.  My husband thought that I was going through a phase and wanting to replace our precious child.  I explained to him that there was no replacing our Areila.  After experiencing what I have...how could I possibly replace her?  Just impossible!  Well, my husband was not on-board and after some therapy and (shamefully on my part), an ultimatum, he reluctantly agreed to go for it in time.  He was afraid that his age had something to do with Areila's death....doctors and I assured him that HIS age wasn't the case.  I knew well enough to know that I needed time to grieve and wasn't rushing to get pregnant again.  I needed to be physically healthy and emotionally at a place where I could handle 9 long months of a pregnancy after such a loss.

Well, after a second procedure to fix my irregular heartbeat, it seemed to be a success.  So, when he returned from Florida, visiting his mother....we decided it was time.  I went for it. Well, it was more of my decision and my husband being happy to have a week of screwing.  I would say about a week later, I began feeling and then ignoring my signs of pregnancy.  I was ready but then again, I wasn't ready.  Christmas came and went and my period never came.  I woke up the morning after my period never came, went to yoga and then told myself it was time to test.  So after yoga, I went to the store, got a test, came home to pee on a stick and the plus sign appeared.  I couldn't believe it....I don't know why but I figured, I'd have issues getting pregnant even though I pretty much got pregnant every time on the first try.  It just seemed too easy and almost made me angry.  I went a week without telling my husband....  I was hopeful yet TERRIFIED!  I knew it would be a long road.  I was still crying everyday, thinking about my precious Areila and decided, I gave her enough time and that I needed to focus on the baby that I was carrying.  Eckhart Tolle's book, "The Power of Now" became my "bible".  It helped me focus on the pregnancy and every time, my mind would wander and I'd think of the horrible things that could happen in the future, I brought myself back and my inner voice would constantly tell me, "right now, the baby is fine and so are you."  

Well, this worked for the first trimester....