Kinda got what I asked for...

So, I was full of anxiety over going to Thanksgiving dinner and it turned out that I didn't even go. My oldest daughter gave me hell and I spent just about all of the day dealing with her. Hours of keeping her from hurting herself, and...the others in my home but she was mainly after me. It was nasty day.... I don't know how much more I can take or what the hell to do.





Dear Universe....I've had enough and I'd like the shit to stop NOW!!!! Don't know if it's Karma, negative energy, or the fucked up life I chose for myself but I can't do much more. It's taking a toll on my body and I'm figting really damn hard not to be a 'Debbie Downer'.

I'm in....I'm out

I quit a band....

and that band told another band about me....

so I auditioned for a new band....

and I think I'm in that band....

but got a call from another band that knows someone from the other band....

Confused yet? So am I!

Another audition this week. What the hell am I doing?????

Bachelors in Theatre Arts....

(Pretty bad....huh?)

I can smile, laugh and shoot the shit with the best of y'all... but it often pains me to do it. I sometimes feel guily for smiling and laughing. One of my degrees is in theatre and I've truly had to use some of my old skills in the last 6 months. The longer I have to fake it, the more I need to retreat to my safe space and breathe....and get angry and cry because I have to be someone that I'm NOT to protect myself and others.

After retreating to my bedroom to cry as I saw my family and friends gather for Areila's memorial service, I somehow got myself together to get through that day. I fake it for work and I acted/faked it during the benefit concert that I organized. Actually, I'm pretty damn impressed at how good I looked that night. I had an awesome Cheshire Cat smile...I greeted...I hugged....I laughed....I even sang a few songs. I also drank a lot....A LOT!!

(You'd never know I am a hot fucking mess by looking at the pics....huh?)

I don't know how it happens but I somewhat step outside of my body and allow it to go through the motions and appear "normal". I'm so fucking far from normal and I doubt that I will ever be again.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I've never dreaded the holidays more than now. We all know that holidays are meant for happiness and togetherness. It's often a time when new family members get introduced to other family members....when children play...when adults laugh, talk, and reminisce....when babies get passed from arm to arm...moments of bliss. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and although I'm very thankful for my family and friends....the aching and hollow feeling is more intense. How can I be thankful....really? I should be toting around and adorable, cooing, giggling, juicy-legged 6 month old baby. This time last year, I was fantasizing about this year....not being pregnant and having another addition to my beautiful family. There is someone missing.....someone that should be here. I am incomplete and I don't want any parts of the traditions that made our holidays before Areila. I've been so upset not knowing how to include Areila in some way.....but feeling ridiculous that I WANT to include her. She's dead...she's gone...no one really knew her but me and I feel pretty fucking cheated for the 9 months that I had. Why would others care to include her and won't they think I'm a kook for wanting and needing it? I really don't want to go but I'm going....for my husband and my girls....for the rest of my family. Mainly, so they don't try to put me in the crazy place for not understanding that I will feel incredibly insecure, self-conscious, unthankful and guilty, for feeling unthankful....and would rather be curled up in a chair with my pajamas on.

So, tomorrow I will put on my glasses, hope that we're in a dimly lit room so that others don't see the tears that will well up in my eyes and I will work really fucking hard to keep the tears from overflowing....and I will smile my fake ass smile to protect my husband and children so that they can have the holiday that they deserve. Wish me luck!

Please let there be no babies.....

Ok, ok...I'm going....

I-got-out-of-the-fucking-house (for myself) to spend time with a friend that I would not have even gotten to know on this level if it weren't for my precious Areila. Lets just say that she knows me on a level that none of my friends have ever known. :) The circumstances behind it are REALLY, REALLY fucked up but I'm so glad and grateful to have my friends and (supportive) family. We drove 45mins. away to grub on some delish vegetarian Indian food. Nom Nom... (forget the roaches that I saw in the bathroom) This friend probably doesn't know it, but she's given me and taught me sooooo much. She is TRULY what I mentioned in my previous posts....I see "god" (divine) in her.... Who needs religion when people alone, emit goodness, love, and light!?!?!?

P.S.....I've been drinking but I promise that I won't edit this post when I'm sober....

Fur babies....

A few months after losing Areila, I went outside to pick some fresh basil and parsley for dinner and heard a squeeling/squeeking coming from the front yard. I recognized the noise as an animal in distress and as I turned to follow the noise, I saw a baby animal scurry across the lawn. I thought to myself....oh fuck, I DO NOT want to be mama to an orphaned baby animal. I walked closer and saw that it was a baby rabbit, looked around and didn't see any other animal, but noticed its nest was torn apart and scattered across the lawn. When I approached it unsteadily scurried under a bush and I was going to leave it there in hopes that the mother would appear after I left but as I walked away, it reappeared on the sidewalk. Again, I thought...fuck, fuck, fuck. Well, I scooped it up and brought it down to my husband to hold. When I opened the door I heard the loudest distressed squeel and saw a tiny animal running for its life down the street while a crow was attacking charging. I ran out into the street and scared the crow away and scooped up the poor traumatized rabbit. I looked around for any others and found no more....damn crow got them.

(Om (left), Shanti (right)

I presented another bunny to my husband and all I could do was let out another.... "fuck." I've done wildlife rehab in the past. I've been able to nurse and release many wild animals back to the wind.... oppossums, skunks, squirrels, raccoons, groundhougs....never have I been able to keep rabbits alive. I thought for sure that the one rabbit that was attacked by the crow would die of shock. Oh....and I was not in the mindset to lose another creature but....I had no choice. Gosh, I just wish I wasn't there at that time and nature could have run its course without my knowing . I did some research and made it my mission t keep these precious bunnies alive....luckily they were about a week old and weren't totally helpless newborns.

I can't begin to tell you how serious I took being foster baby bunny mama. I woke up every few hours at night, mixed formula, prepared probiotics and even mixed poo with formula (rabbits are cecotropes/poop eaters) to maintain healthy digestive flora. I gradually weened them from formula as I introduced various greens. I was constantly on the lookout for grasses/flowers that I thought they would enjoy and eat. It was truly insane....I was always scouting out places to stop and pick grasses. They grew quickly grew and became eating and pooping machines. I even found a babysitter for them while I went into the hospital for surgery.

(Om and Shanti~couple days before release)

The time came for them to be released. They were still small but old enough to care for themselves in the wild. I felt like they had a better chance for survival in the wild than in my care. I released them at dusk, as suggested. The one little guy (Shanti) scurried away while the other (Om) hung around for quite some time. My husband and I hoped that they would come back and somewhat remember me but I interacted with them as little as possible so that they would fear humans. Everytime I see a rabbit in the yard, I hope that it is one of "my babies".

(Om~release)

Yes....I am a true dork for naming the bunnies Om and Shanti.