I mentioned in one of my previous posts, that 'living in the now' is what got me through my pregnancy, mainly the first trimester. What this means to ME is putting aside all the pain and heartache and even happiness of the past and the uncertainty of the future and living in every moment and putting my heart, energy, and thoughts into every single....moment. I did do a lot of living in the moment about a year ago, as I was falling more and more in love with my two new girls every day. I fell in love with them in a much different way than my other children and that was because of my past. So, 'living in the now' wasn't what I actually did because the past truly shapes my NOW and the eyes that I use to see my world....NOW. Confused yet? It's a little wackadoodle.
I think once people have their "rainbows", or subsequent living children after loss, others from the land of 'babies don't die', assume that our grief and heartache ends. I do believe they think, " it's all over now and you have your baby and so, you get over it already." It really doesn't happen like that. Often times, loss mothers put their grief aside to get through their rainbow pregnancies and once their children arrive, the grief wave comes voraciously rolling in again. It's often so difficult to be sucked into two vacuums....the one of surreal happiness and the other, of unending grief. I know I've often looked down at my beautiful sleeping baby and had my breath taken away because she looked so much like her big sister. There will always be reminders and I'm sure, there will always be moments when my grief appears and takes me steps back.
The sometimes difficult reality for me is....my two amazing daughters would not be here had Areila lived. So, I have feelings of guilt and being torn between missing my daughter and being thankful for....her not being here.
So, as a mother who has had a child die...(inside of me), I realize that I am too aware that tomorrow is not promised. I, on a daily basis, sometimes on a minute to minute basis, am consumed with, and fight the negative thoughts and what ifs. When I get in the car, I have to often count car seats and children repetitively, I fight images of a car accident that could take the lives of my children, I worry about leaving windows open in my home out of fear that they will be kidnapped....I worry that I will fall while carrying them and by some freak accident fatally injure them.... I watch them sleep because I fear that one day I will go in their cribs to wake them and they won't be breathing. I worry about them choking on food and not too long ago, it happened. One of them choked and thankfully, I was able to dislodge it but all I could do afterwards was stand frozen, looking at them and cry. I am too aware of all the horrible things that can happen. I feel so lucky to have them and I'm beyond grateful for them but I also fear that one or both can be taken away. It is a constant battle....
So, a couple weeks ago, a (I'm sure...or hope) a well meaning family member kept looking at them and saying, "two for the price of one". It seriously made me nauseous.
I thought I was going to die after Areila died. Part of me did die.... My living children suffered because of their sister's death. My life forever changed, in turn, changing my family's lives. I almost lost my fucking mind grieving and I still feel like I'm going to lose it at times. I still perseverate. I still carry a lot of anger that I don't want. I still carry a lot of guilt. Carrying and bringing these two new lives into the world was the 2nd most difficult period of my life. Keeping my children safe and alive while constantly fighting to 'live in the now' is my life. "Two for the price of one"? REALLY!?!??
So.... I will continue to find comfort and peace in looking at their sweet little faces and watching their chests rise and fall as they sleep.
Well, I made it through the first year after Areila's death. I don't even know what to call it. I don't like calling it a birthday because to me, birthdays are happy times to celebrate the continuation of life. Some people call it Angelversaries but I don't believe that she is an angel. She might be WITH angels but she is not. I can go on for days about how wrong and uncomfortable and sad it is to celebrate a life that existed and ended....inside of me. I decided to make the day she was 'born' a day for family and love. So, my wonderful family gathered at a special playground and we released balloons and ate cupcakes. It was so surreal to be pregnant again a year later and knowing that....
Well, that anything is possible.
As my pregnancy progressed, so did my anxiety and just the aches and pains of pregnancy. I really tried not to complain and felt so guilty doing it. I tried my best to sleep on my left side (because blood flow is best while lying on that side) until bursitis kicked in so I did A LOT of tossing and turning which was VERY difficult. I was also hungry A LOT during this pregnancy and eating was something that I was still getting used to so I woke up a lot because of hunger if it wasn't for hip pain....or heat. It was a VERY hot summer and we topped at 107....on a day that I had to leave the house for an appointment.
Having to pack away Areila's clothes from the closet and drawers was so very difficult for me. They stayed there for months. I couldn't imagine having to do it again. I couldn't imagine blissfully preparing for these babies and they not make it through...alive. So, we didn't prepare. We bought nothing. I gave my wonderful cousin some money and told her what we needed but made her promise not to bring the things to our home until and only if the babies were born healthy and alive. So, I prepared myself for the worst and hoped and prayed for the best.
I take that back. We needed a larger vehicle that would accommodate 5 children, so we did purchase that...which was VERY difficult. VERY.
I pretty much knew where each baby was and felt comfort with every moment....both babies were VERY active just like their big sister, Areila. There was a day, probably a couple weeks before my their expected delivery date, that I noticed one of the babies' movement had seemed to be slow and I nearly lost my mind. My doctors did everything they could, short of delivering them and I was in the doctors office from about 32 weeks on, about 3-4 times a week with non-stress tests twice a week and bio-physical profiles (documents practice breathing, heartrate, movement, amniotic fluid). The monitoring settled my anxiety for a short time but by the next day, I was a wreck again. There were many hospital trips...and any time that I felt unsure....of to the hospital I went. I couldn't take any chances and have any more regrets.
One day, while home alone with my 4yr old, I got up and was in excruciating pain. I couldn't move and had to call my husband home from work. He came and practically carried me to the bathroom where I almost passed out. It turned out to be sciatica, something that I never had with my other pregnancies. So...for the last 3weeks I was REALLY stuck to the couch and had to walk with crutches and used wheel chairs when I went to the doctor.
Feeling the movement of two active babies was comforting but they also kept me up and it got to the point where I slept only a couple hours a day. The only shows that are on at 4am on Sundays are Infomercials, the 'kill your husband/wife and try to get away with it' shows, and Hoarders. However, I did look forward to the show, 'Escape to Chimp Eden'....chimpanzees are fascinating. I ended up watching every season and episode....TWICE.
The few days before my amnio were absolutely terrible. I kept thinking about how I couldn't make it to 37 weeks which was when Areila died...and how I was just 4 days away from my induction date when she died. It took all I could to pack my bags and then pack my daughter's bags because the last time I did that and headed to the hospital, my life was forever changed.
To make a very long story short, the plan was to have an amnio at 36 weeks and if they got an amniotic sample and one of the babies' lungs were mature, they would admit me that day and do a c-section the next morning. Well, after about 15 pokes and a very sore and bruised belly, the doctor gave up. The babies were too active, they were too big to get a decent pocket of fluid, and he was afraid to poke one of them with the crazy long needle. So, I was sent home...and we had to move to plan b. I was completely devastated. I never thought the babies would make it here. I was so afraid they would die. We really weren't prepared for plan B but my doctors were required to make me wait another week. However, they knew that I was on the verge of a breakdown and were going to admit me to the hospital for 24/7 monitoring until I reached 37weeks.
I was so depressed and defeated and cried the whole night before but I got up the next morning and went to one appointment where everyone in the office was disappointed to see me there, once again, still miserable, in a wheelchair, and still ginormous. I passed my non-stress test but when, my doctor did a quick ultrasound but noticed that my amniotic fluid looked a little low and sent me over to the head high-risk doctor's office. It was there that I had a biophysical profile and one of the babies didn't pass one section of the test. That doctor was trying to figure out a way to get me delivered because by then, I had just about driven them all crazy---I was already there. He asked us to sit in the waiting room and after about 10 mins. he came out and told me that they kinda changed the results of the NST to have the 'criteria to deliver' and to drive to the hospital to deliver the babies. I could NOT believe it. The time had come. The babies were still alive and I was going to be a mother of 5 girls and have 2 new, living, breathing, pooping, and kicking babies.
We drove home, took the dog to the sitter, grabbed my bag and headed to the hospital. We live about 40mins. away so that trip seemed like it took forever. Talk about surreal. I went to l&d, and by then, many of the nurses knew me and were excited that the time had come. They prepared me for the babies needing to possibly go to the NICU because they were a little early but I couldn't really show emotion. I was still, too afraid to be hopeful. My l&d room was just around the corner from the operating room and let me tell you....there were A LOT of people there!!
Of course, the epidural didn't work so they had to do a spinal and work quickly. Remember what I said about preparing for the worst....well, there was something in the back of my mind that kept replaying..."what if the babies make it and YOU die." They began the surgery and told me that they were getting one of the babies out....they pulled her out and held her up so that my husband could see her and she began to cry.
I swear I heard angels singing....3 minutes later, the same thing---another crying, bloody, and goopy baby. I sobbed...and puked....and inquired about their health because my husband was in another room with the babies. I really did expect them to be in the nicu for a bit. I could NOT believe it when my husband walked out with two babies in his arms. OH.MY.GOD! (and I'm an atheist)
They finished up the surgery and wheeled me back and the epidural quickly wore off. So, I was in quite a bit of pain and in disbelief. Notice my emotionless face at that point?
We held the babies....did skin to skin to stabilize their temperatures. I breastfed them and they immediately latched on like champs. It was so unbelievable. Here it is, a year later and I'm still in disbelief---I carried 2 babies at one time and they're alive and healthy and SO UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLY AMAZING!!!
To speak their names is to tell the story that out of darkness, light shining light can arise and the truth that prayers can be answered and with that comes....peace.
Eleni Satya Indigo (Shining light and truth)
Arabelle Shanti Indigo (Answered prayer of peace)
All of my children are amazing...they are the air that I breathe.
.jpg)
