I've been meaning to create a list....as a reminder of where I've been and where I'm going. There are still days that I still feel like my loss is so fresh and my wounds and heartache are so deep and heavy. I still avoid certain situations, I still struggle with anger, I still have to stay busy to distract myself, I still have anxiety about what may come, I still worry about my children, and I still feel insecure and carry guilt for my child dying--inside of me. I am definitely a different person. I am sad. I am happy. I am grateful. I am more loving. I am more open. I am more giving. I am more cautious. I am more fearful. I am more patient. I am not the same person. I hope that I am a better person.
When I created this blog 2 years ago, I didn't want it to be the typical blog about my grief. I wanted to document my actions in response to my grief. Well anyway....here's the list....not in chronological order but, here are the THE THINGS I DID TO KEEP FROM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND....
1. I let go of the small shit.
2. I began to clean.
3. I began digging.
4. I began to drink.
5. I smoked.
6. I ran away.
7. I deleted.
8. I got a new kitty.
9. I avoided people.
10. I went back to yoga.
11. I gave up t.v.
12. I joined a band.
13. I quit a band.
14. I let go of religion.
15. I began cooking.
16. I did a little redecorating.
17. I got a tattoo.
18. I learned to fake it.
19. I got out of the fucking house.
20. I became a foster-baby bunny-mama.
21. I didn't even go.
22. I Say I-Love- you.
23. I remained and probably became more spiritual.
24. I did a lot--sewing, crafting...and crying.
25. I went for it.
26. I didn't mention it but I couldn't, and still can't sleep without holding something....a pillow...a baby. something.
27. I hid my pregnancy.
WOW! That's quite a list!
That's an awesome, powerful, real, and incredible list. thanks for sharing...
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a post I wrote recently about how changed I am "right where I am". I think it's incredibly helpful to reflect on that. It's an ongoing process. I think you're like me in that you're still trying to figure out all the ways you're different now. xo ~Lindsay
ReplyDeleteAlmost 10 years later, I am still crying. But, I clean less (don't want to waste time with the small stuff), I play more with my younger daughters (twins, now 14).
ReplyDelete3. I continued to drink - a little.
4. I run faster (can't face getting the head stone)
5. I let friends care for me.
6. I learned to fake it.
7. I Say I-Love- you.
8. I did a lot--fun things...and crying.
9. I went for it - when I turned 51.
10. I am more fearful for my kids
11. I avoid angry and mean people
12. I volunteer more
13. I exercise more - and do zumba badly
14. I don't watch scary/realistic shows - real life can be scary enough
15. I try to remember that good things as well as bad things happen every day
That list is awesome! That list is ongoing too! So necessary and profoundly beautiful in your healing process. My favorites: Letting go of Religion and becoming more spiritual and saying those three beautiful words... Actually hard to pick just three though because they were all crazy good in their own way.
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