What can I say.... I really, really, dislike this time of year. I'm a real fucking scrooge. It's crazy but holiday music makes me so angry....It is NOT "the most wonderful time of the year", I see no "Winter Wonderland", I will not be "dashing through the fucking snow laughing all the way", I don't have any "Favorite Things" and I'm far from Merry. I was warned by other loss parents that holidays suck but I had no clue. I wanted to stay open and hopeful that I'd somehow be "over it" or past my grief. I was really fucking delusional. I feel like I'm taking tiny steps backwards. I think about her all the time. I look at her sister and I see her. I look at her pictures and the sight of her perfect little hands with her daddy's long fingers, her head full of black hair, and her sweet little heart shaped lips and the pain consumes every ounce of me. I can't breathe. I want so bad to have some sense of peace. I fight really hard to keep my head above water...to be positive...to be kind...to acknowledge my blessings but then I get so damn angry. I replay the days before I lost her and the what ifs... I really fear running into the midwife that I hold responsible for allowing my daughter to die because I don't know if I'd break down and sob or just break and act on all the anger that I hold. I replay the moments after I lost her and how my sister held on to the posibility that they were wrong and she was still alive and how I wish that was true... The horrible 24 fucking hours that I was in labor and the pain that I endured to give birth to death. I don't know how people's faith gets stronger after losing a child. I really don't. I don't know that I can ever forgive myself or whoever/whatever for this. There will never be any justification/explanation that will make sense other than...I was just unlucky. It's been 7 long months and I still find myself saying over and over again..."I cannot believe this is my life". Nothing seems real and I feel like I've been wandering in a fog....going through the motions....just waiting to wake up from this REALLY fucked up nightmare.

So...I had one child die and my oldest is thankfully still alive but I feel like I'm quickly losing her. I've heard several times in the last few years that we might be dealing with behavioral issues and not just emotional which would explain the manipulation, aggression, lying, inability to maintain any "normal" relationship, and her lack of response to treatment. I fought believing it because like any parent that loves their children with all of their being, accepting the fact that their child could always struggle and never really live a "normal" life is like death in a sense. There is really no treatment for personality disorders. You just hope and pray and do everything within in your power to make a difference. She has been with her father for the last week and he is doing everything within his power to accommodate her....walking on "eggshells" as he calls it, to avoid conflict...not enforcing routine or rules....doing everything within his power to put her more at odds with me ....and giving in to her...only creating a more difficult and unrealistic environment for her. So... I'm trying to figure out the next plan or course of treatment for when her father will be unable to handle her (that time will occur soon) and in the meantime, hoping that the Universe will let up a bit on my family and move that dark cloud to above the heads others more deserving. I still hold on to the notion of positive thoughts and energy turning into positive outcomes.... I think.

Oh....JUST SAY IT ALREADY!!!

Have you noticed that people casually say...."love ya" but cannot say I-LOVE-YOU??? There is a difference, ya know? They cannot fully commit to putting it all out there for fear that someone will think they're a kook if they preface it with an 'I'. Silly...huh? I've been taking notes and only a few people have been able to reciprocate my love...well, only a few have found it in themselves to commit to an 'I'. We all know and tend to forget when living in blissful ignorance that tomorrow is never promised...why live with needless regret? So.... I decided to tell those that I dearly care for, how I feel about them. No holding back...no wimping out...I put it out there. I tell others that I-LOVE-THEM. Chances are if you're reading this...you are probably one of my friends and I hope that I've told you that I LOVE YOU! If I haven't yet....here it is....

I LOVE YOU!!!! I FUCKING LOVE... Y-O-U....

Ok, so I went a bit too far with the fucking part.... BUT....you know I love that word. Seriously...Why is it so damn difficult to commit to it? Don't buffer your feelings and don't live with regret! Plus, doesn't if feed your soul to know that in this wicked ass world, there are people that live and love with abandon???